TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS SOME PRETTY INTENSE MONOLOGUE ABOUT EATING DISORDER STUFF. SO... IF THIS IS A TRIGGER, PLEASE SKIP THIS CHAPTER. I LOVE YOU ALL!! <3
Troye POV
Despite the current situation I was in with Ty, Dan, and Phil, I could feel my thoughts slipping into a negative place. I glanced over at Dan, not able to keep myself from seeing his body in a new light. He was lean and long; his frame thin and enviable. I couldn't help but notice that his arms were slim but toned, and his stomach was flat, his legs long and muscular, but still retaining their slim size. His cheekbones were prominent, much like his collar bones and his face was framed by the long brown curls. He had the body of a dancer, and of that, I was insanely jealous.
I was jealous of his smile, how real it was, without a hint of pain or false happiness. I was jealous of his eyes and how whenever he looked at Phil, they lit up so bright it was almost as if he was lit from the inside. A light shining outward. I was jealous of his laugh. His joy and knowledge that he was loved. I was jealous... of him...
I had somehow lost control of the life lines I had over this long weekend. I knew I didn't want to self harm anymore, but nothing could be said of the nagging feeling in my chest that I just wasn't good enough. I wanted what he had but I knew I would never achieve it. I knew that no amount of effort on my half would ever give me a body that looked like Dan's. I glanced over at Tyler, observing his features. He deserved better than what I could offer. He was this bright personality and I was this cloud overshadowing his charisma. I was committing the greatest crime by doing that. And who did I think I was to even think about trying?
Well, I was no one.
I watched as Tyler laughed with the other men. The three of them giggling at whatever Phil had said. Tyler's eyes sparkled with light mischief at words I had managed to miss. But I smiled along, the lie coming easier to me than I had ever intended. I was slightly put off by this, but what was I to do? Frown? No. At least for a little, I would grant myself this one luxury. to stay by Tyler's side, without showing how messed up I really was. After looking at Phil a little closer though, my plans changed.
The man was bright. Painfully so. His smile so amazingly sunny that it almost felt like looking into the sun itself. I was forced to blink, as he radiated so brightly, beaming light at us, while the others looked on in wonder and joy. He was genuinely happy. By staying with Tyler, was I putting a shade over Phil's light too? Was I destroying his happiness by being around him? Surely, even a light that bright could be cast into the shadow that was my self destruction. I should go.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom guys, one sec" I said, smiling lightly and ruffling Ty's hair, ignoring the worried glance he sent my way. I stood, dodging the elbow coming my way with false giggles leaving me. I walked away, knowing I wouldn't be walking back.
Slipping my hands into my pockets, I made my way to the 'bathroom' but instead turned right, walking right out of the venue. I ducked my head, grabbing my headphones from my pocket and slipped them in. I pressed shuffle, letting my music drown out the sounds around me, yet still doing nothing to mute the thoughts in my head. A piano graced my ears, the sound calming my beating heart.
I walked until I came across a little garden. Complete with a waterfall that finished into a small but deep looking pond. I walked around the water's edge, letting my hands drag along the plants, feeling their soft leaves. I wanted the peace that they had. Their life cycle being the only thing that mattered. Why was this so hard. I just wanted to be beautiful. Really truly, beautiful.
Instead, I was broken. Marred by scars. Some I never wanted, and others I made myself, but none made by accident. I was the accident. I tilted my head as I caught site of a humming bird, fluttering lightly in the breeze. I was mesmerized by its beauty. It was colourful, a mixture of greens and reds and yellows. Each colour holding it's own beauty, but all of them combining to create the creature I now saw in front of me.
I wanted to be light as the bird itself. I wanted to fly. I wanted be noticed for my beauty. I wanted to be called pretty and for it not to hurt. But pretty has always hurt. I wanted to matter. I wanted to belong somewhere, to someone. I wanted to feel like when I died, I would leave something behind that mattered. I wanted to make people smile. I wanted to smile myself. I wanted to look in the mirror and not be afraid of the reflection. I wanted to not be afraid of the monster in the mirror. I wanted to be happy. But I knew I would never be happy as long as I was afraid of my own reflection. I hated myself.
The hatred I felt was so intense it crippled me at times. Times like this. I felt it radiate in my chest, bringing me to my knees in a motion so fluid I was one with water I was now kneeling in. My hands grasped at my shirt, pulling at the fabric, trying to release myself from the cage I now found myself in. I was hurting. The base ringing in my ears confused me. Was it the music or my heart?
I crawled out of the pond's shore, laying on the soil beside it, tears mixing in with the droplets that splashed onto my face when I fell. I breathed deep, my chest heaving with the effort, as if I actually did weigh 300 pounds. I could hear the music but with it I could hear my heartbeat. I just wanted to be happy.
My music paused abruptly, my phone ringing a notification into my ears now. I took the device from my pocket, looking at the screen. A Twitter DM from Tyler. Of course. I clicked out of the app, and turned my phone on airplane mode, before locking the phone and slipping it back into my pocket. I looked up at the sky, cloudy but still blue, framed by the trees surround the pond i was now laying by. I took a deep breath and let my eyes fall shut, my music lulling me into a light sleep.
