♤ Requests & Oneshots

9. For Him 》Phan

Dan's POV:

"How could you let this happen?!" His words were like a shot to the heart. They ripped through me, leaving me empty. Broken almost. It was like my whole world had gone from perfect to crashing all around me when he walked in.

Phil is, well was, my everything. Our lives had been perfect. We were slowly but surely coming out. We were going to make a video about it today, but then he walked in on us.

"D-Dan? How could you?" His voice was hardly above a whisper, his eyes shinning with unshed tears. It hurt me to see him like this, it really did. He was always the happy one out of the two of us. "I gave you everything..."

His northern accent wasn't sad anymore but outraged. You could tell by the way he was clutching onto the doorknob, his knuckles turning white. He looked horrifying to be honest. Phil was never this way. He was never angry. Never.

He shook his head and stormed off, leaving me and this "friend" together. She was supposed to be helping us, but she ruined everything.

"Phillip, wait! Please!" I jumped off the couch and sprinted down the hall, trying to catch up with him. "It's n-"

He turned around, jaw clenched and he looked like he was ready to kill. "Not what it looks like? Yeah, fucking right! I saw you two Daniel! You're fucking a cheating bastard! How could I ever fucking love you?!" He stormed over to me, and pinned me to the wall by my leather jacket. He was never this way. "You're a fucking disgrace Daniel. I'm fucking done. I never should have spent those eight years of my life with you. I never should have fucking let you in."

His blue eyes were clouded over, his grip on my shirt tightening. I didn't know one simple kiss would have sent him over the edge like this. I couldn't let him think I didn't love him. I did. Everything about him. The way he always had a habit for being in the wrong place at the wrong time but always making a story out of it. The way he loved his houseplants and always wanted a cat but couldn't have one since he was allergic.

"Phil, she kissed me! You know I would never do that to you!" I pleaded, my voice cracking slightly at the end. It couldn't end this way. It just couldn't.

He growled at me, raised his fist and punched me square in the jaw. He never in a million years thought violence was an answer to anything. Ever. The whole left side of my face was throbbing where he had hit me, and I could taste the familiar copper taste of blood starting to fill my mouth. "You fucking disgust me. You're not worth my time. You never were."

I could feel the tears flowing freely down my face now. He didn't mean this. He couldn't have. He didn't! He just can't! "Phil please! You don't mean this!"

Another hit to the right side of my face. More blood. More tears. He tossed me to the ground and started kicking me in the ribs. This wasn't my Phil.

But it was.

It went on like that. He kept telling me how much he hated me and how he never should have wasted his time on a such a pathetic waste of space. I couldn't feel a thing. I was numb. To it all. His words. His blows to my face, kicks to my back and side, the hair pulling. All of it.

It was like that for about an hour. How nobody heard surprised me, or they did but they didn't care. Who would ever care for someone like me? Nobody, that's just it. "I never want to see you again. I want all of your shit out of my flat tomorrow or else I'll burn it all. I'm deleting every video we did together too. Now get the fuck out of my life."

That was a week ago.

I still had the brusies he left littered upon my pale skin. I was still pretty numb. All of our videos together were gone. I wonder if the Phandom cares that all of the Amazing Dan's, Phil Is Not On Fire's, and other collab videos are gone. Probably not.

Phil also blocked me on every social media site and got rid of our cooking, gaming, and crafts channel. There was no sign of what once was Daniel James Howell and Phillip Michael Lester. It's almost as if we never met.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I mean, I was staying over at PJ's place until I could get my own place and start making videos again. I was sure I could make it without Phil. I did it before, so I don't know why I couldn't do it again. I still had a fair amount of people who "cared" for me. Right? If necessary I could always go look for a day job or stay with my parents.

I was sure I could do this on my own. I did it before when I had nobody in my life, so I don't see why I can't do it now. I wasn't going to let this stop me from making videos. Yeah, people were going to ask what was wrong and why Phil and I never mentioned each other, but I would try and ignore those until I couldn't anymore.

Dan Howell was going to make it. Dan Howell was going to be just okay. I was going to be fine and that was that. Yeah, it hurt that Phil wasn't in my life anymore, but like I said, I'll get over it.

I have to. There isn't any doubt to it. Daniel James Howell will have to be better than he was before, and will just have to deal with whatever life happens to throw his way.

This might have been the end of Phan. The end of Phil Lester and Dan Howell. The end of Amazingphil and Danisnotonfire ever making another video again..

But it certainly wasn't the end of Danisnotonfire himself. I won't let that happen.

But the thing is.

I can't carry on without Phil. He was my everything. He still is. He was the one who saved me all those years ago. He was the one who made me into the person I am. He was the one who made me feel better about myself.

He was my sunshine when I was stuck in a never ending storm of emotions and pain. He was my safety net that saved me from drowning. He was my Sun in which I revolved around or else get sucked into an endless black void of my own self doubt and pity.

Phil Lester was my world. My oxygen. My love. Without Phil...I have no will to live.

I have nothing to look forward to. Phil was the only reason I'm still here. And I fucked up and he left. He told me what he thought of me. He told me everything he hated about me.

I can't carry on without Phil...I won't either. If he doesn't love me, what is there to look forward to?