Wishing I Could Save Myself from a Life I Despise: My Shadowed Life Series

Epilogue

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Recap chap 35:

I wanted to feel sadden, but I could do nothing but rejoice. I don’t know what made me hate him or feel relief at the fact that he was dead, but for some reason, I was supremely happy and comforted by the reality that he could no longer hurt me.

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Epilogue

It had been a week since my father’s death. My mom kept Tris and I home from school so we could mourn properly, or so she encouraged us. My dad wasn’t always a pleasant man. He used to beat from time to time, but mom said he was still our father and that we should both miss him and mourn his death. Somehow, it just didn’t feel right to do so.

On some level I felt relief that he was gone, not pain. I felt joy, not sorrow. I didn’t understand these mixed up feelings, but I couldn’t deny them either. They emerged from deep within my soul and I wouldn’t refuse them. They seemed ingrained in me, even though I had no idea where or why they originated.

It was almost like my father was two separate men. One caused me such great distress and agony that it couldn’t be forgotten, although I had no clue as to why that was. And one was just a marginal father that I showed indifference to, yet still held hope for. Sure, the way he treated us all was poor, but was it that unforgivable that I should feel this unbridled sense of loathing for him?

I dressed quickly in skinny jeans and a simple green top, rubbing the pendant I found in the library curiously, as it now decorated my neck. I tucked it under my shirt and ran downstairs, not wanting to keep my mom and brother waiting. She was already heading for the door, her blond hair swishing across her shoulders carelessly. It had been so long since she was truly happy and I reveled in the fact that finally, she could live a life without as many worries.

I wanted nothing more than for us to be a happy family again, which I felt in the pit of my stomach, was something we had been missing for an uncountable number of years. We should have been this way all along, but weren’t. It was strange that I yearned for this long dead happiness, when it seemed we were always moderately blissful because we had each other.

I couldn’t push away the feeling that resonated in my heart, that it wasn’t always the case. However, I couldn’t remember a time when it was. It made no sense. I looked up at Tristan, shaken out of my internal chatter by a swift elbow to the ribs. Something about the thought of having ‘internal chatter’ brought a smile to my face, as strange as it seems.

Tris pulled on my sleeve and I lumbered out of the car. He was always loving and supportive, if not patient. He was He was a bit like Gabe. Hm… I wonder why I thought that, and why my attention was turned to someone named Gabe. I wasn’t aware I knew anyone by that name, aside from that nice doctor I met the last time my father sent me to the hospital with a concussion a few weeks ago. That’s odd.

“Trinity, Tristan, we need to have a serious talk when you get home from school. I’m taking the afternoon off from work, so don’t be late getting home.” My mom called after us as we began walking away. Her blue-green eyes gleamed with excitement and I couldn’t help but wonder why that was.

“Okay mom, see you at three.” I shouted back, smiling at the warm, fuzzy feeling her mere presence provided, even though it was marred by the tiniest, almost forgotten hint of confusion and resentment.

I had no clue where that particular feeling came from, but it was like so many other occurrences, thoughts, feelings and dreams I had had since the day I woke up in the library a week ago. It was all so confusing. So many things seemed real, yet forgotten or buried, as the case may be. Or maybe it was all my imagination running wild and fooling my mind and body into thinking and feeling things that were contrived.