Faking Reality- Jian

The Note- Kian's

"Hey may seem like a weird and trivial way to start a note like this but here goes.

At the moment, the only reason why I am writing this note is because I am finally giving up and I am finally listening to all the horrible and depressing thoughts that burden my every waking thought. Personally, I always thought that suicide letters were a way as a personal reminder, like a memory in a way for the person to leave after they are dead and gone and in a way, I would love mine like that but to be honest, I don't even know if I really want to be a personal reminder to anyone. I don't even know if anyone would really even miss me. I suppose with depressed people it's always the same thoughts. Always the same process before it all slips away. I suppose with my letter, I don't want it to be a personal reminder. To be honest, I really would like my letter to be a rant letter of feelings and thoughts that constantly run through my mind.

First off, my parents. Don't get me wrong. I love both of you to bits but you both drive me completely crazy and make me more depressed. The constant fighting. The drunk attitude of my father. The running away and trying to escape from my mother. You both honestly don't understand how much it really affects me to see you both like that. It makes me wish I was dead which is why it is in this letter. The many nights I have sat under my covers trying to block out the sound of your arguments is far too many to count. Honestly, I wish I could have different parents a lot of the time but I know you do your best and I know that's all I can ask. And I suppose that's all I can ask of you. To do your best even when it's not enough. And in a way, I really appreciate that.

Second to the idiots in my school who make my life a literal hellhole. One day someone is going to turn around and make you re-think about what you're doing. One day someone is going to tell you the truth about how you make them feel and it'll make you think. Yes you make my life a living hell but you made me stronger and for a weird reason, I thank you. Because without you, I wouldn't be the person writing this and in a way, I am grateful even though I am giving this all up.

And lastly, I am angry at myself. I can't believe I am giving up so easy over something so stupid and petty. I know that for me this is an escape and I know that I will be much happier but I really do have my own hopes I wish I could have achieved. I wish I could have finally found the confident to out myself. I wish I could have found the confidence to kiss a guy. And then marry one but in a way, all of these are pretty stupid and probably wouldn't happen. And I know that is the thing I will regret the most. Not having the confidence to be able to be who I am and I know no one will understand this and it's only a wish.

I suppose I should just end this. So as my last words I say "Goodbye this fucked up world and I'll see you on the other side"

Kian"