Intellect

Everywhere (19)

August 31. - New York.
September 7 - Tennessee
September 20- India 
October 1- Germany 

Today, October 10 - Australia
I've been traveling around none stop. I don't even think I know what time it is, but I'm starting to miss home, and I'm not sure if I can handle any other emotion. The last time I spoke to my family was in August, a day after leaving him. There was screaming, shoving, and so many tears I didn't think I'd be able to make it out alive. But I did. Looking back on it now, and on all the other things I've written in this leather journal, I've realized how selfish I was being.

In a way I understand where my parents were coming from. Hiring Harry wasn't something they did to embarrass me. Hiring Harry was their last resort, and after traveling I realized it. Through Tennessee, India and the many other places I've been I noticed that family is the root of every problem, and truth is the seed. I had no trust... I still don't. But the difference now, is that I wasn't open to trusting people. Even with Harry I was never fully committed. Doubt is a dangerous thing. It's like a virus. It eats you alive.

Sincerely,
V.

____

October 15 - I don't know.

Today I took a step back. I almost hate myself for doing it but I knew the day would come and it did.
I thought I saw him.

For a split second when I turned a corner, there was a man with chocolate curls, the same height. He had black sunglasses on but if you looked quickly it was like he was there, just out of reach. And I'm not sure what is was but I broke down. In the middle of the god damn street I let every wall I ever had collapse. And there he was again, the imaginary Harry pulling me up off the sidewalk, and holding me tight in his arms. I've tried so hard to forget, and to let him pass but I can't. And the scariest part is that I don't think I ever will.

To tell you I didn't love him would be a lie, and to tell you I don't still feel the aching  in my heart whenever the thought of him would makes its way into my sporadic mind, is like saying a zebra has polkadots.

Now, I am not telling you this to scare you away from love, and although it's a torturous feeling it is nothing but beautiful. Instead I am telling you this story because like every love story it deserves to be told. The way his arms wrapped around my waist a little tighter in the dark of night, or the kisses still felt on ever inch of my tingling skin even too this day shouldn't be just kept to one person. A love so overwhelming as the one I felt should be said, and then said again.

Guilt is a word that's better said then felt but I know it's the reason why my pain is so strong. He was better then any man could have been and due to my selfish naive attitude I pushed him away with no other reason but fright. When I was younger that's really the only emotion I felt; other then anger and pride. I subconsciously yell at myself for those feelings every single day.

I hope one day we cross paths. Whether it be on the streets of Italy or in a pet store in Kansas. I hope our hearts find each other once more; for the day they do will be the feeling of Christmas. I will say all the words I've ever thought and express every fibre of me the way I should of done.

So as I tell this story with my pen and paper on a park bench in London I hope you remember how sorry I am. I hope as the words fall from my head and one day your eyes scan the ink, you promise to remember how much remorse I feel and if in another lifetime I tell you the hole in my heart has been mended, be sure to know that it would be a lie.

Sincerely
V.

****

The next chapter is the epilogue.
xoxo.
just in case anyone is confused, She left Harry August 30th, flew back home to New York August 31st. That's where the journal entries began. I didn't want to write all the entries because I feel it is a waste of time. You know that she is hurting, I know that she is hurting. Why dwell on the characters pain? Ya know?

Hopefully I'll update tomorrow.