Intellect

Japan (16)

Harry

The wind was harsh, making her hair fly in each and every direction as we walked down the streets. The sun had set, causing an orange glow to illuminate her every feature. It was like looking at an angel, something out of reach, something I knew I didn't deserve.

"Less staring, more walking." She whispered, nipping my ear.

"You're so beautiful." I don't know what had come over me. I've always been straight forward, strong headed, never embarrassed for the truthful words that I spoke, but now, around her. I feel lost, in a daze, but in the best possible way.

And whenever she is near I just keeping thinking, she's my angel, my heaven, something I don't deserve. It's a cycle of self- loathing, but I'm too selfish to tell her the truth, and too much of a coward to be the truth.

"Look, I'm blushing." Her soft outlines turn toward me, showing her falsely blushed cheeks. It doesn't matter how many times I compliment her, how many times I beg for her to not leave my side she still doesn't get it. She still doesn't understand how madly and deeply I...

"So, you know how you told me you wanted to go back to school?" She asked. Where did this come from?

"Yes..." We both turn the corner, just for an evening walk, no destination in mind.

"Well this afternoon when you were taking a nap I was looking through the computer, and maybe, sort of, searched up a journalism program that is located at the same school as me."

My body freezes. "Why would you do that?" I say pulling my hands away from hers.

"Because the summer is almost over..."

"I keep telling you to stop mentioning this..."

"I can't! What do you think I think about all the time? I look at you and all the time we don't have left. I just wanted you to know that for me this is real."

God, I hate that word. 'Real.' It chilled me to the core.

"And it is for me too, believe me, nothing about what I'm feeling is a lie but I can't go back to school."

"Why not?"

"I'm just not ready..." I whisper. Knowing she won't back down from this one. She's such a stubborn girl... my stubborn girl.

"Not ready for school, or not ready for this relationship with me?" Her eyes are wide, and I know that she's making up these imaginary moments that I've done that shows her I don't want this, that I don't want her.

I wonder what she'd do if I told her, right here, right now, in the middle of Tokyo, Japan. Would she slap me? Believe that what I feel is real and everything else was a mistake? Would she cry, and tell me that she can get past this?

"I...It's not that..."

"It's me isn't it." She says backing away. "I told you so many times to tell me if we should stop this, I even asked for it but.."

"Fuck..shit.. No." I say pulling my hair. I've never been like this before, this feeling of fear. "It's not you. Why on Earth do you think everything is your fault. This is me, all me. I'm just surprised, and scared, none of this was even in my plan... but then again I never really have a plan."

"What are you afraid of?" Her hands grip my t- shirt. "Talk to me Harry... you're not like this, hiding what your feeling isn't you."

"You're going to leave me." I blurt out.

"What?"

"I'm afraid that once this is over and..." I could say it all right now. But her eyes are already watering, and my hands can't stop grabbing at her, and she's mine for now, but my phone won't stop ringing with emails and text messages, but she's here, in my arms, and it feels so painfully good.

"I'm just afraid that you'll see that I'm not the man you thought I was." I want to punch myself at my cowardliness. My mother would be so ashamed of me, she hated when I only told the half truth.

"I won't. I would never. Just don't give me a reason too. I know that you won't."

There was so much I was keeping from her. So many words that bang in the cage that is my chest. Let me out. They always scream.

"I promise I won't" I wonder how many promises I've broken?

"This is so back and forth, so confusing. One day we're this, another day we're that."

My hands wrap around her back, bringing her closer to me. I'll always need her closer. "That's the way life is."

"Life sucks." She scuffs, letting her nose brush against mine, teasing me.

"Not with you." I say before giving in to my addiction and kissing her. This seems to be us. Arguing and kissing, pulling back then running forward. She's my very own sin, an oxymoron, an angel from hell. And I'd gladly be shut out of heaven if I have her in my arms. She's more than enough for me. I just beg that I'm the same for her. And maybe I am... it's hard to tell with all the lies on my chest.

***

I know the chapter is short but I'm so busy, and this is just a filler anyways. Things are starting to pick up soon. Only 4? 3? left something like that.

How would you feel about me writing a new fan fiction? Would you want me
to post the first chapter now? It's all set! I'm excited about this one its ALOT different then my others.
xo