Speechless (Muke)

DAY 2:

He expects himself to cry at the sight before him, but it seems that tears cannot show exactly what he feels. His chest heaves unevenly without drawing in air. His body begins shaking uncontrollably and he feels like he's going to fall. Fall through the floor and the ground fall all the way to the depths of hell, because Luke is sure that this feeling is a million times worse. Strangled noises come out of him, he's gasping and shaking and making noises that are so excruciating, so despairing that Liz flees the small area.

Ashton catches him when his knees finally do give out, and Calum comes over and they simply hold each other and sit in near silence. But Luke is still shaking and gasping and making those terrible sounds, but no tears come. Perhaps they will not return.

Luke remembers the teacher talking in English class, about emotions. He had known at the time that the conversation had stemmed from Michael's essay. He remembers the teacher saying that there is debate that there is no such thing as sadness. Or such thing as pain or hatred. That they are simply the absence of the good things. Like how darkness is simply the absence of light, but Luke knows they are wrong. How can there not be sadness or pain, when his chest feels like it's been ripped open and torn to pieces? How can there not be hatred when he wants so desperately to find everyone who had a hand in this and make them feel the same pain? How?

Luke comes to the conclusion that there can't not be sadness or pain or hatred. He knows this so well because in that moment they are the epitome of his existence. They are all Michael has ever known. And Luke believes that happiness can cancel out sadness and love can overcome hatred and that pain can be fixed with tenderness. But Luke knows that they exist. He knows that hatred and sadness and pain can exist with happiness and with love and with tenderness. He knows because Michael was both happy and sad, Michael was both loved and hated; Michael knew both pain and tenderness. They had existed together within Michael. So how could they be the absence of the other if they were all there together?

If this were a book, or a movie even, Luke figures Ashton and Calum would start blabbering on about some random nonsense about everything being okay in the end, but this isn't a book or a movie. This is Luke's life, Ashton's life, Calum's life. It's real life and so they don't whip out some lines that come straight out of there asses. They don't even bother feeding Luke some bullsh*t words of comfort. They simply hold each other on the floor. People give them odd looks and they are all too aware of how odd they must look to everyone, but there is nothing else to do.

They can't tell each other that things are going to be okay or that Michael will wake up tomorrow. They can't even guarantee that they will ever see Michael's eyes open again. They can't find it in them to lie to each other. Nobody could bear the thought of saying it and it not happening. So Luke wraps his arms around himself holding his chest together and Calum wraps his arms around Luke helping hold both himself and Luke together and Ashton wraps his arms around Calum enclosing both of the younger boys within his hold. And then with a shaky hand Luke grips tightly onto Ashton and they are all connected. Luke is leaning on Ashton and Calum and Calum leans on Luke and Ashton and Ashton leans on Calum and Luke. It isn't the strongest means of support, but they are alone, so very alone and they know that if they all lean on each other and if they all support each other. Then they can make it through anything. The wind will never be strong enough to blow them over. The ground will never shake hard enough to knock them off their feet. The pain will never hurt badly enough that they cower away. The crushing weight will never be heavy enough to break them leaving their shattered remains all around. As long as they have each other.

Liz comes back when she can no longer hear Luke's strangled cries and finds them on the floor still just holding each other and she almost had to leave because even though nothing can take them out it is evident that they were once stronger, that they are missing someone. And it's Michael. Michael is missing. He's lying inches from death in a bed that's barely ten feet away in a room that cut off from them by a door that's locked to keep them out. And the people with the keys just won't help them out.