Charming and Awkward

Chapter 20: End Of Me

-Violet-

I was an idiot.

A full-fledged idiot.

Nothing will ever make up for what I've done and the trouble I've caused. I've caused trouble my mom didn't need. My brothers didn't need it either. If I could take it back, I would in a heart beat. There's no reason for what I did yesterday. But there comes a time when you want to do nothing but yell at someone.

And that someone happened to be the person I love most in this world.

My dad's funeral was yesterday morning.

I watched my mom cry over the casket of a man that didn't care about her. It wasn't just then either. She cried the night before, not even coming out of her room. She cried on the way there and then she cried when he was gone. And when I say gone, I mean no longer has a beating heart.

It was an asshole move on my part and she didn't deserve that.

James was right about having all this pent up. It was like my body was full of pressure and it had to be let out or I'd explode. My anger was the pressure and my mom's tears were what set it off.

He didn't deserve her tears, not even now.

I can't help that she loved him. Nothing in the world can change that and nothing in the world can change what he did.

Not only did he leave, but he had a new family too. A beautiful wife and a little girl. She was crying too, but his little girl had no idea what was going on. She'd tug on her moms dress, but she'd swat her hand and tell her to be quiet. Eventually she got fed up and handed her off to the nanny.

He had another family. A beautiful one too. It wasn't fair to my mom and it definitely wasn't fair to my brothers and I.

There will always be this anger towards him inside of me.

After the funeral, I stood in the graveyard and watched his new wife walk away and then yell at her two-year old daughter. The little girl started crying but her mother wasn't doing anything about it. She just kept yelling and it wasn't helping the problem.

I hate she has to grow up without a father. It doesn't matter if he was my father and left me. No kid deserves to grow up without knowing their father. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

One day, I hope I can tell her about him.

Her name is Scarlet.

So in some way, I think he thought about us when he named her.

As I lay in James's bed, secured tightly in his arms with no space between us, all I wanted was to see my mom.

James fell asleep hours ago, but I lay awake. I could see the slight rise and fall of his chest in even, timed breaths.

I tried closing my eyes again and rested my forehead against his temple. My lips brushed his cheek and I squeezed my eyes tighter.

My eyes burned and they felt swollen from all the crying. I couldn't lie and say I'm not tired, because I'm beyond exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted.

This was a good place to be right now. I'll see my mom in the morning and we'll talk. Or I'll be talking anyway. Telling her how sorry I am and that I'll never act that way again.

She's hurting.

My mom will always be hurting and I need to understand that.