Dear Ana,

Odi et Amo

My mind was under a strong spell. I was either thinking of Logan, thinking of what would happen if I didn't gather my thoughts and get my freaking homework done, or thinking of how chubby my legs looked in shorts.

The weather was slowly turning to summer. Girls paraded their coachella attire around school, gladiator platform sandals, skirts and shorts and lacy tops. They all looked amazing.
"Too bad you can't pull that of dearie."
I know. I'm still too fat.
"Don't even think of wearing shorts either, your legs look like milk popsicles."
I sighed. My head was all over the place.

I started scrolling down anorexia blogs. It was a new obsession. When everything seemed too loud, when the voices seemed to scream in my head. Simply seeing girls like me, made it more calm. It felt like no one had the same heavy burden, but online I see a million girls, screaming through their fingers. Dying to be heard, hoping for help from fellow sisters.
"How do I lose 10 pounds in two weeks?"
"Help I ate too much."
Nearly sickening, no one can help.

"Silly girl, who do you think we are??"
"We help you, you ungrateful little twit."
"Yes if it wasn't for us, you'd still be fat and unpopular."
"Maybe you should listen to us more."
"Yes, Ana and Mia."

The next morning I woke up and crawled to the bathroom.
My skin was hollow and pale. I lifted my arm to touch the bags under my eyes. My strength was weakened.
I felt a shudder down my spine.
If I continue like this....It isn't going to be good.
They rested two hands on my shoulders and whispered poised words of comfort and tranquility.
"It's all for the better." I spoke to myself.

This is going to slow. you have to pick up the pace. This is for your own good.
You need to be thin.

I know Ana

So starve bitch

I get on my bike and cycle to school. I slept badly again. I'm still not sure if my sleeping problems come from the deprivation of nutritions or from the constant fear of waking up fatter.

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in everything: the expectations of the future, the obsession of the present state and the mistakes of the past. It's all too much to be so perfect.
I don't know how much longer I can breath.

I grab my math books and walk to class. I don't have any subjects together with Logan, which technically is a plus because I wouldn't have paid attention at all.
I sit behind Evan in Math.
He turns around after a while.
"Hey."
"Hey Evan."
We talk soft because we don't want to attract attention.
"So how are you?"
Evan is super nice even after I treated him like crap.
"I'm good, but I should be asking you that. How are you?"
"Yeah I'm good too. I've been channeling my attention into sports lately."
"Really? Thought you weren't such a big sports fan."
"I'm not but at least it's something."

I have to tell him though...
"Evan... Uhm just so you know Im kind of dating someone."
He looked kind of sad.
"Yeah I kind of thought so, I mean I've seen you two together."
"Do you mind?"
"Well I would be lying if I said I'm okay with it, because I think he's a player and you deserve better. But if you like him... Besides what am I saying it's none of my business anyway."
Logan's not a player.
"Still, I just wanted to ask."
"Thanks." He seemed kind of hurt but the bell rang and we said our goodbyes.

In the lunch break I was looking for Logan. I kind of wanted to see him.

Someone's got a Logan-addiction..
My insecurities are easily activated. I mean how could he possibly like me. I'm ugly and fat, my body is scarred and my self-esteem is about as low as they come.