Dear Ana,

aut viam inveniam aut faciam

I woke and stood up from the bed.
Black spots morphed my view.
My head kept spinning.

Dizziness has been coming to me more often. I'm guessing it's because of my scarce diet.
My blood level is low. I haven't gotten my period in 4 months, because of protein-shortage.
"All for skinniness." They whispered.
"Yes."

I do eat crackers for lunch at school, I don't want to worry Evan and Yumi. They'd notice if I didn't eat anything.

Mom knocked on my door.
"Hey sweetie, I'm heading off to work."
She came and kissed my forehead, she lingered and looked at me.
"Are you okay? You look very pale."
She held her hands on my face.
I was scared she'd see threw me.
That she'd see the rotten insides I kept tightly hidden away.
But all she saw was my pale skin and the heavy bags under my eyes.

Sleep doesn't come well to someone like me. Half the night I spend worrying about how much I'll weigh in the morning, and how I'll never fit in with the weight I am now.
My body and mind are exhausted from the numbers on the scale every morning. I can't sleep, countless reasons haunt my mind and time goes by too quickly that the nights are always short for me.

"Maybe you should stay home today."
Mom's voice took me out of my daze.
"Yeah, maybe that's a good idea."

She kissed me again and left.
I stood up and looked in the mirror.
I saw only a figure with pale skin and chubby legs, darks rings around the eyes and fat under the skin.
"We want to see bones."
"Me too."

I had a shower and got dressed, it was early but I needed to see them...

As always the door to the grey house was open.
I sat down and waited for Ana and Mia to come.
Ana came out of the kitchen holding a platter with a teapot and cups on it.
"Hello dear." She said.
"Hi."
"Mia is frolicking about with some boy, so let's start without her."
Ana looked at me sternly. "You've been eating haven't you?"
Of course she'd know.
Ana knows everything.
"Yes." I looked down, my face bowed towards my lap in guilt.
I'm not supposed to be eating.
"It's okay darling, we've all been there. We've all slipped up."

"But how could you stay thin and continue to lose weight after slipping up?"
Ana looked at me with her normal deadly expression, then her lip curled wickedly into a smile.
"We have a good little trick."
I didn't dare to talk, I listened intently.
"It's called the AM-trick. Basically AM stands for auto-mutilation, but since AM are also the initials of our names. Mia and I decided to call it that.
The point of this trick is mainly to, hurt, yourself after eating. That way you'll be less tempted to eat next time around."
"Hurt myself?" I was slightly terrified at the idea.
"Yes, dear. Just a little cut. A deep one nonetheless. Then you'll be reminded of your slip-up and you'll be better at keeping your diet."

Ana smiled evilly at the fear in my eyes.
"It sounds scary. But I'm pretty sure you'll come to like our little trick."
She winked at me.

Ana stood up.
"Time to go now, Sweetie. You're supposed to be sick at home anyways."
She waved me off as I walked out of the house.
I grabbed my bike and cycled home in silence.

In my room, I stared blankly into space.
I had drunk two glasses of orange juice and my stomach felt like it was expanding to twice it's size.
I held a small army knife tightly in my hands.
I squeezed so tight that my knuckles turned white.
I lifted the knife and held the cold blade against my pale leg.
Without putting too much thought into the pain, I pushed down into the knife which dug into my skin.
I slit it downwards to make a long red line.
The knife bit into my skin.
Little red droplets of blood surfaced from the cut.
The sight of red on my pale skin was quite haunting.
It looks good.
"A scar to remind you of the skinny promise you have to keep."