Emma

She Is Love

I admit I get hit on by a few old creepers and even a couple of teenage boys who probably think their God's gift to the world, but it's nothing I can't handle. I keep telling myself that I've been through much worse. Much, much worse, and that'll never happen again. Right? That was just a one time thing? I've been around drunk people before and they've never laid a hand on me. Just thinking about that night makes my right side throb with pain. My breathing speeds up and I feel like I might hyperventilate.

"Emma, Emma," whispers Tabitha on the other side of the bar. "Are you okay? You look pale and you're sweating."

"Umm, I'm okay. I'm good. I'm just a little hot." I look at the time. "Oh, my shifts over. Tell Luke it's his turn. I'm going to take my break. Just outside, really quickly."

"But the toasts are coming up. That's your favorite part." I like hearing the sweet things the couple have to say to each other, and the stupid stuff some of the others come up with. It's quite entertaining. But not tonight.

"I just need some cool air." I see Luke already on his way through the crowd moving to their seats. "Okay, I'll be outside if anyone needs me." And I rush out the back exit before she can say anything else.

Silence. Absolute silence, except for the chirping crickets.

That's just what I need. The air is colder than I expected for a spring day. I can see my own breath, but I don't care. I'm alone to press back those thoughts from before. I haven't really dealt with them yet, but I can wait a couple more days. At least until after tomorrow. After my date. Then I can cry my little eyes out all night before going to class. I don't want to cry in front of Tabitha because she'll get all motherly on me, yet she's only three years older. And I don't want o cry in front of my roommate because she's my best friend, and she knows my parents and will go blabbing. No one else can know about that incident.

The door creaks open and shut. I guess I should've expected Tabitha to come out and see what's up with me. "Hey, sugar. What's wrong?"

I hide my face with my hair. "Nothing. Just ... worried about some of my classes. You know, because of my scholarship."

"Don't worry about school. You're the smartest girl I know." The she folds her arms and sits in her hip. "Now what's really the problem?" When I don't answer, she asks, "Is it about this past Friday? Are you scared he's going to come after you or something? I mean, he has no reason to, because you were dumb enough to not press charges. But don't worry about that."

No, not at all, but that brings on a batch of new fears. Originally, it reminded me of my first serious relationship. He used to hit me if I said something or did something he wasn't okay with. If I was late when meeting up with him, if I talked back when I disagreed. Even if it looked like I was getting too close to another boy, even if he really was just friends. My current roommate saw him do it once and it ended there. I convinced myself I wasn't traumatized, that I could push past the bad stuff, but it did bring on some nightmares, and so did this weekend. But she has no idea about that.

"It just rattled me, you know? I'm okay though. I'll live."

"If you need to talk to anyone, sugar, I'm always here."

"I know. Thanks, but I'm good."

She hugs me once and we remain silent until it's time for us to go in because the break is over. We came right after the toasts are finished and everyone's sipping their drinks. I sneak into the powder room for a second to fix my make up and join her on the floor.

If you're not behind the bar, you're carrying trays full of white or red whines in extremely fragile crystal glasses. But that doesn't bother me. I am a pro at balancing cheap dishes or expensive crystal. I can squeeze my way through any space with such precision, the platter hardly tilts. All I have to worry about is my smile faltering, but that's nothing at all.