Monologues

So...why do I write monologues?

Do I just enjoy doing this?

Does it help me remember what I think about over time?

Do I always think like this?

Do I feel like this will become popular someday?

Well...yes...yes...sometimes, and...not really.

So, I write A LOT of monologues. Sometimes I can start and not stop, other times I start and then come back to it. Sometimes I update them often, and sometimes it seems as if I totally abandon them.

Well, there is one explanation. In my monologues, you know that I make a lot of new paragraphs. I write like I'm actually talking to someone, and sometimes end up in a ramble. You may think that's it's because I'm writing - or, typing, if you want to get technical - exactly what's going on inside my head. Well, think again, because...you're actually right. I'll come back to that point later.

Anyway, if you've read any, ANY of my monologues you should know that I 1) usually have a motive from movies, books, or games, 2) like to write in all caps a lot, 3) try really hard to make jokes, and 4) sometimes don't make sense. But other than that, unless you know me (and I mean really know me) or you are me, you really don't know what's going inside my head while I type.

Well, for one thing, I don't really think or plan ahead. I mean, sure I think about it, but I don't write it down word for word before writing my final draft. Most of my English papers are just my research templates and the first typed draft that I can edit easily through my google drive for the final. This comes partly from the fact that it takes too long to write one or two rough drafts before typing, ESPECIALLY when all I'm fixing is just a few spelling errors!

You ever met that person who you can hear in all of your thoughts? I have a lot. For instance, right now I'm hearing MatPat because I've been watching GTLive beforehand. In fact, I hear his voice a lot when I'm writing these. What does that have anything to do with this, you may ask? The voice that I hear in my head effects the way I talk or the language I reflect through my writing. For instance, I was recently shown the "To This Day Project" video on YouTube, and it made me cry. Not just because I could relate to it and the message it provides, but also the voice it projects. The quote "They were wrong!" gets me every time because of his speed and his voice level. When your voice is that strong, it reflects how you feel to your audience, kind of like how your mom may talk to you when you cuss her out or break her favorite vase. I mean, have you seen Game Theory? That's pretty much the voice in my head when I'm writing about me.

But there's a darker side to this topic, and surprise, surprise, I'm going to go into really deep detail. I could probably write a whole encyclopedia about every single motivation I've ever had to create a monologue, even this one in general, so I'll spare your lives. Just this once.

I suspect that you guys have read the summary of the work. That I have these little monologue moments in my head and I "just want to let them out." I never really understood until now why I have all these moments. In Communications class, we recently had to do a project on self-esteem. Most of what everyone said that they learned from research that those who talk to themselves have low self-esteem and/or think that they are the only ones who will actually listen to them. And, as much as I hate it when people say you don't have any friends when you talk to yourself (I'd like to talk to whoever says that. We'll have a nice little viewing of all of the photos and videos of my friends and I.)...I have to admit that...they're right. 

I already talked a little bit about this back in #GAMERS and #BULLYING, so I'll skip over that bit, but really, I do talk to myself. A lot. When my classmates are asking a question about something like when the homework assignment is due, my initial response is answer. I hate that phrase so much. (talks in squeaky, mocking tone) "I wasn't talking to you." SO WHAT!!?? I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!

Sorry. Anyway, I hate that. It's so rude! They asked a question about something that was required, they're friends didn't know, I did. Problem solved. You may think I'm overreacting. If you are, go back and read #BULLYING. You clearly haven't yet.

(if i'm a bit rude, i apologize, i don't really act like this in real life. this is just a really sensitive topic for me.)

But really, why do I talk as if someone is listening? The same reason why I talk to myself. To listen. I need someone, anyone, to just listen.

"Everyone here is blind! Can't you see that I really am trying? I'm a human being! Why do you treat me like this?" This is what I hear every day at school in my head.

"LISTEN!!! For once in your life, just LISTEN TO ME!!!"

Am I overreacting? Maybe I am. But I hunger for an ear. Someone who will just listen to me. That's why I want to give a shoutout to marypopo. It's so obvious that my love language is words of affirmation. I have kept almost every single letter I have ever gotten. Because I know they're thinking about me. I made a pseudonym writing good qualities about people that I sometimes didn't even know. And I still do. It gives me joy. But it also does when I get the same thing in return. I comment on almost every single post, video, story part, photo, picture I see because comments are a way for me to show my appreciation. I have so many views and a comment every now and then, but not really anything big, telling me they really like what I write. So whenever I see a notification that someone commented on my story, I'm about ready to cry.

So, this story may not become popular someday, but I do know that this is really what I think. In the end, it's your choice whether you believe me or not, but I have one final request for you. Sit down. Find a story, YouTube video, or post on Twitter or Facebook that you really like or something that touched your heart, but may not have many likes, comments, retweets or whatnot. Let them know. Let them know you liked it, do more than just click the button, tell them why! You can make someone's day, sometimes even save their life, just by telling them you appreciate it. And, in the end, you will feel as happy as them.