Monologues

#WAKINGUP

Don't worry, no more gamer updates.

Well, at least not right now.

If you know me/have read the shout-outs in the last hashtag, you should know that I am VERY attached to my fandoms. Ocarina, TLOZ, Nintendo, Warriors, you name it. But I've never exactly explained why.

Let's return to David Erick Ramos. This man has probably been the most influential person my life recently. You see, I mentioned in #BULLYING that I fell in love with the warriors series.

"And then came the warriors. The thought of clanmates, always looking out for each other. StarClan always watching. How everything all fit together in the end.

It hit me. Hard. Imagine falling from a forty foot building. Boom. I couldn't concentrate. I had at least twelve missing assignments every other month. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Warriors became my sun, moon, and stars.

But that's not the worst of it. It hurt me. Scarred me for life. I felt like I was in an early midlife crisis. Just taking a shower, bawling my eyes out, feeling as if my heart would squeeze out of my throat. It was the worst thing anyone had ever done to me. I couldn't live with it, but I couldn't live without it, either.

It's a good thing that I'm tall. Because if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't be able to handle all of the stress. If you would to walk in my shoes for awhile, you probably wouldn't survive. It would be the worst experience of your life. Take one step inside and you'll feel how I feel. See what I see. Know what I know.

And it would physically tear you apart.

I can't help but feel despair knowing that I have changed so much, drowned so deeply, that I feel I will never be able to wake up. Be who I once was."

You see the hashtag? Right there in the second to last sentence?

Waking up. One step to reaching acceptance as I talked about in the past two hashtags. One of these steps I had to take required to come out of my warrior life as Stealthheart.

I finished The Warriors on May 11, 2014, and my thoughts and yearning to be a warrior ceased afterwards. It's as if Spottedleaf had said it to me as her final wish. (Wow. I should write about that)

Other things contributed to this step was my other list fandoms, the EMBARRASSMENT of the second Percy Jackson movie, and my ocarina.

The three things I wouldn't be caught dead without are:

1) My kindle

2) My thoughts

3) You guessed it.

After I finished The Warriors, which was when I was playing the recorder and clarinet, I finished my first video game, ever. The Ocarina of Time. My siblings HATE my recorder. I told them that if I got an ocarina, they would never have to listen to my recorder again. Of course I still HAVE it, but...

When I told Wyatt I had enough to buy my first ocarina, he showed me David Erick Ramos. I still really wanted one, so I placed the order.

I grew anxious. I would check the mail every day, waiting. By the time it finally arrived, I had already seen all of the OcTalk videos about how to pay the ocarina. Laney was beginning to think it was from a fake seller when it arrived. When I opened the box, it was as if everything was going in slow motion.

Now, it goes with me almost everywhere. The students at school are already upset by it. Which is why I HATE it when someone insults my fandoms. They don't hate "my stupid blue whistle," they hate me. I'll play it so that everyone can hear, and they're annoyed. I play it so that I can't even hear myself, and they're still mad.

Don't believe my "threats." Just because I say I'll punch you if you say this, doesn't mean I will. Usually I'll just screw up my face and yell, "NO!!!!!" while smiling at the same time. Ask any of my friends.

I mentioned earlier that the best time to write a monologue is when you see something new. I watched the Draw My Life vid from David Erick Ramos, and it made me cry. It was like looking in a mirror.

It just made me think of how many people are looking for that chance to wake up. Just feeling like your world is caving in around you. Suffocating you. Just sitting there and thinking, "I know you want to help, but this is a burden I must carry alone."

It's hard. Not just the process, but also the aftermath. I quit the clarinet. I was at school, struggling to make a single note, the first one I had ever learned. But I couldn't. The teachers came over and asked what was wrong, and I said, "I want to throw this." I say that a lot, so they assumed I was joking. But I wasn't. I actually had to slowly place it down, put my ocarina back in the box, sit there, and breathe. It was THAT bad.

The next day, I forgot my clarinet. So I just sat and played my ocarina. As I was playing, everyone came up and said I was better at the smaller instrument than the bigger one. And it was then when I remembered how I felt before I could get an instrument. I had always told myself that I would know when I had the right instrument when I enjoyed playing it. I never had that with the clarinet. It gave me chapped lips, it was frustrating trying to keep control of my embouchure and breathing, and it would leave me in tears over how frustrating it was. With the ocarina, I would practice it often, it didn't leave me uncomfortable, and I could play it. I was facing one of my deepest, darkest fears of my heart. What if the clarinet is not my instrument?

It took a while, but I was finally able to pluck up the courage and tell Mom that I didn't want to play anymore. Now I'm back to four instruments: recorder, ocarina, my voice, and my cat.

But even now, I still feel like a failure. Everyone told me that I'd be good at the clarinet because of how well I play recorder. But that wasn't true. After getting used to the ocarina I couldn't even play THAT anymore.

I'm scared. I couldn't play the clarinet. The recorder, my first instrument, the one that I treasured so much, even it is slipping away from me. What next?

I hate change. I've been moved around a million times, had bullying slap me in the face everyone I begin to get comfortable, and everything I care about is leaving me. You may think coming out of my warrior life was good. But there are still those times where I wish I could lock myself away in thoughts. That's where the warriors months came in.

I never made the warriors months for writing. I have a big chunk of amethyst in my room, and if I want to return to my warrior life, I get into bed (of course, HF comes first), touch my nose to the stone, and meet the warrior of the month. Probably the time I visit most often would be in May and February, because if you've read Stealthheart's Dream, then those months are for Runningwind and Spottedleaf (not in that order).

But even when I'm having a good day, it still comes back to haunt me. Is this what it's like to be awake again? Waking up isn't a forgive-and-forget process. It scars you for life. Take a few minutes to fall asleep, and you'll never be the same again.

So don't follow in my footsteps. No matter how small it may seem, never let go. Never give in. Grasp on to those few things in life that keep you happy.

Because one day, it may come back to haunt you.