Daddy's Little Soldier

Extra: Dear Taylor

Dear Taylor,

Now that I'm eighteen and I'm legal, Leo and Cathy wanted to take me out to a bar to have my first drinks and maybe get drunk for the first time, Leo said it's on him, and he said he'll pay for you too, Tay, because I wanted to take you with me. I know you knew what to order, what to drink and how many, you go there a lot and I wanted to know what's so cool about this experience. You love it there and I wanted to know why you love it so much here.

I know how much you love Cathy and ever since we started dating you and mom loved her even more and you got too close. Leo was asking mom for permission while Cathy and I went to invite you to come with us.
You'd drink and you'd dance for a little ,but no drunk bad guys involved, especially no going home with another guy.
I'm sure you're not tight anymore because of how much you did it.

We walked by Dad's photo hanging on walls of the hall, specifically situated in front of your door.
I knocked and called for you a few times and you didn't answer.
I thought your mood decided to be mad at me today for slapping you when I was ten, or maybe you were sleeping or maybe it was your monthly.

I looked in Cathy's blue eyes in worry and I told you how she never mirrored my worry or any bad feelings in her eyes, she was always calm, happy and smiling, even though her father gave up on her and her mother and little sister and decided to run after random women, I remember mom and you telling me to never be like him.

You have to know that the weight of me slapping you will never get off my shoulders, I'll never forget it and I'll never forgive myself for it.

I'm so sorry, sister.

Dear Taylor,

Congratulations on being fearless, congratulations on finishing your war of life, or forcibly finishing it by giving up on yourself and letting go of your power.

Taylor, you could've just knocked on my door and told me, I could've made you write a letter to mom, dad, yourself, your demons, anyone. I could've helped you, or at least tried to.

When Cathy knocked on your door and called your name and you didn't answer, I assumed it's either you're sleeping, in your period or in that mood when you don't want to talk.
Cathy and I begged you to open or to let us know if you're inside but you didn't answer.
I opened the door, and I found your body hanging from the ceiling fan with a rope around your neck.
I didn't know what to do, so I just lost it.

I yelled at Cathy to do something, to which she responded immediately and went to do what I never wanted her to do.
She brought mom and mom immediately fainted seeing you hanging from the ceiling and me standing on a plastic chair, trying to untie the knock behind your neck. Leo stared with his eyes open wide.
Leo tried to wake mom up, Cathy and I kept begging you to be alive.

I untied you and brought you down, I checked a pulse. But I didn't find anything, I performed CPR, ignoring how cold and blue you are. It was very awkward when I was blowing your blue lips.
You fell limp on the ground. You didn't respond. You just died. Just like that. Without a warning or a goodbye.
I guess I deserved a goodbye. Mom deserved a goodbye. We both deserved an explanation for why you killed yourself without caring about leaving us behind.

But you know what, Taylor? I guess I didn't deserve you.

Dear Taylor,

I didn't want to do anything related to you for the past month because it was too hard, not because I hate you for killing yourself and leaving us. No, no, I don't hate you, sister, I love you, I'll love you so much no matter what, no matter how much you sinned so far! You'll always be my big sister and I'll be your little brother, even if we'd only meet at your gravestone from now on.

You drank too much, you started smoking week secretly, you danced to please random hormonal disgusting men, you went home with them and gave them a piece of you to get money, you used Daddy's ballet lessons for the worst reason.
And you killed yourself, you made us sadder than we really are, mom kept crying for a month straight, afraid of your destiny and petrified of mine, dreading that one day I'd end up sinning like you, so she keeps asking how I am everyday, where I am going, when am I getting back, who are my friends, how do I feel, how was my day, if anyone bullied or harassed me and she became even more obsessed with my grades that I couldn't breathe anymore.

Tell me, if I killed myself will I really go to hell? Are you in hell? Is killing ourselves a sin?
Despite all the the troubles you caused me with your suicide, I still love you, I hope mom is wrong about you.

With lots and lots of love,
Your brother Oliver.

So basically this explains everything, Oliver's intentions towards Taylor, Then his feelings about her suicide, which can be surprise, shock, regret, agony, depression, disappointed and cluelessness.
Letter three is when he realised why she killed herself and tried to put himself in her shoes.
He slowly but surely, accepted her death and forgave her for leaving him behind without a warning or a goodbye.