Naturally

Naturally (A Jacob Black Fanfic) -20-

“Marisol, where are we going?” Seth asked from behind. His voice was out of breath but I didn’t slow down. I was too upset to stop and try to get control of myself. I needed to get the hell out of here before I loose myself completely. “Marisol!” He tried to grab my shoulder but his hand easily slipped off as the rain pattered down on us.

I felt my throat tightened and I felt a crawling feeling sneak under my skin. My breathing hardened but that wasn’t because I was jogging. My bones itched and I felt my spine shift in an odd way.

It wasn’t the cold to blame for. That’s when I started running like my life depended on it. More like Seth’s life did. If he was too close to me, if was saw what could happen, I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye again.

Seth cried my name again behind me, but much to my relief, much farther away. I kept running and hit a few branches on the way. I didn’t even feel the gashes on my legs or face. I was too overwhelmed with anxiety and adrenaline.

I came to a point where I couldn’t even breathe anymore. I collapsed on the wet ground and curled into a ball, hugging my aching body. I felt my bones shift and my head felt tighter. The pressure was unbearable. I held my head back to release a howl. The pain was overtaking every inch of me and I couldn’t hold it back. I thrashed around but that seemed to multiply the sensations. My arms felt they were as if being torn and twisted, same with my legs, when literally they might as well be. Finally when the pain reached its climax, I slowly faded away from my body and seemed to float in empty space until I regained some wet feeling on my hands.

But from that point, I don’t remember anything else. I can only guess what happened but even then I still get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I hated not knowing what I could’ve done. It was unnerving and scary to think I could’ve done something in wolf that I would never do as a human. What if I killed someone? What if I injured myself? I was vulnerable and terrified. And even though I’m usually a self-reliant, confident woman, it’s understandable to feel insecure and anxious. I could give myself that, at least. It’s not easy trying to hold up, especially with all the responsibilities I have to carry. My life is stressful as it is.

Some think it’s easy to move on, to get on with your life. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. Day after day I have to carry the burden of harsh life lessons, the ones that molded me to be the solitary, closed-up person I am. I’m unable to trust anybody or let them in my head, simply because I’m scared if they know too much I’ll get hurt or taken advantage of again. I can’t remember good memories without the bad ones that come after them. I can’t cover those ugly moments, no matter how heavy they are. Trust me, if I could toss them aside, I would. I would be more than happy to hide them away and vow to never visit them again but then I’d be empty, without anything. I have nothing of the past but those. Their painful but each sting pushes me further in life. Without those reminders, I’d be nowhere, lost, perhaps dead, too.

But the small stuff helps. Relaxing in silence, a cloudless night with a galore of stars for me to gaze up, a cold but refreshing breeze to tickle my skin, any kind of gentle touch really, to remind me that life can be comforting, that not everything and everyone is harsh and out of bury me in the ground. A soft bed to sink into and a blanket to protect and warm me, the smell of hot food to welcome me and give me motivation to wake up for the day, and loud music to shut out all the other noise of the world. It would be my own haven.