Numb [Dan Howell FanFic]

Deserted Desires

I am running, breathing, and blinking, but I am not living. I tried my best to avoid the throbbing pain in my foot caused by broken toe, even if I had a cast. The cast itself made me limp. There is no way that I am living the life that I have been given the right way. My life was a series of unfortunate events and they led to one beautiful moment that changed everything with fixing nothing at all. As much as I liked to think that Dan fixed all my broken pieces and blowed away all my darks clouds, he was only one person and couldn't. He could not manage me alone, and I was still not living the life that I deserved.

It was pessimistic and melodramatic, but I knew. It was time to give in to it all. My father was convinced I would sell off his company to press, with all his blackmail and cheating. I had no intention of doing that but it was time to give up and to give myself. He wanted me locked away for good, and I was determined to give him that.

As much as I wanted more.

There was only one way to achieve that. I had to plan when to leave Dan, when to leave the small bit of my life that was worth living. The world could force me to stay but I would still carry on and leave because I was tired of witnessing Dan suffer for me.

I saw the black building that was his. It took a few hours but I was here, my legs were shaking and my head felt like it was not even a part of my body anymore. I went up the stairs, and induced more of a headache.

I knocked on the door.

He unlocked it almost immediately and looked at me with wide eyes and I remember looking at how beautiful they were and smiling. Well, that was before I passed out.

My forehead was soaked, and again I was woken by coughing. It did not sound as hectic, though. "That was very dramatic."

I laughed and my head seemed to rattle. "Sorry, I got stuck-"

"In what? Traffic? No, you are not lying to me. Six hours, Lilith. You were gone for six hours, and I have been waiting for you to wake up, so I can-"

"Do what?" My voice trembled, most of my dad's moments started this way. With throwing the blame on me.

"This." He kissed me like I had left for a journey that took years. Like I was lost at sea and had finally returned. I was glad.

I breathed in, "Kiss me like I'm a stranger at dusk."

It probably made no sense to him.

He pulled me in and gave me a small confused look, but I knew. And he could never find out that I was such a sad, sad girl. I was a confused, tormented thing. Maybe his kisses could replace stitches, because it sure did feel like it. I kissed him in between his eyebrows and hoped he could hear my thoughts because I had no idea how to come out and say how much I wanted him.

We were together but not each other's and it bothered me that I would have to leave it that way. How could I tell him? How could I leave him? I gasped at my own thoughts, and tried to cover it with a cough. There was no way I could do it, my heart ached for him when I was only a few miles away. Was there a way to leave without turning back and running to the only arms I ever want to be in? He was everything I wanted, the only person I needed.

I needed him.

Maybe it was just my mind telling me to cling, and I did not actually need him. Or it could be that I had an idea of what love was like, and he gave me that? What if I what I was feeling was infatuation rather than love? My questions faded when I looked down at him.

He was all I could ever desire.

My life was a horrible novel people wanted to relate to. I was a writer with too many words to express. And Dan was the character everyone fell in love with, and maybe I was stupid for doing so, for following obvious footsteps, but he had amazing charm. I could not bear to leave. But I had to.

It seemed dramatic, but he was the only person I would die for. And that was exactly what I planned to do. Because in the horrible novel that was my pathetic life it took for me to run away to show him just how much I cared. Oddly, I was okay with that. Time was slipping through my cold fingers and my breaths were being counted. And the " I Love You's" were limited.

"What are you thinking about?" He brushed a thin hair behind my ear. I felt my heart drop.

I smiled at him, "Do you think if we had met today we would be friends?"

"Oh so we're 'friends'?" He chuckled.

"With benefits?"

"God no!" He flipped me over on the couch. He sneezed and then turned back to look at me. "That was awkward sorry."

"I was kidnapped," I blurted out.

He pulled back, and his face fell. His eye was twitching slightly, maybe I was stressing him out. "Oh, Lilith."

If there a was a summary of my life it would probably just be a pitiful, "Oh, Lilith."

I felt a tear stream down my cheek, "The man was nice."

"He didn't touch you did he?" He faced me, hard.

"No," I lied. Although, it was sort of the truth, he did not touch me, but he did slap me around at first. I swallowed my words.

I guess there was such a thing as being protective. Though I had never experienced it until Dan. He was fuming. I could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. "Why did you leave the damn flat?"

I sat up, he sounded way too angry.

"You're sick, and-"

"That doesn't matter!" He screamed which made me jump. "What do you think matters more? My health or your safety?"

"Well, your health-"

"No!"

I fiddled with my ring. "Please stop."

He grabbed my arms, "Lilith, don't leave here without letting me know."

"You're scaring me."

"Well, you scared the shit out of me!" He snapped. I saw the muscles in his face relax and he rubbed his eyes. "Sorry."

My toes curled, "Its okay."

His cheeks were more red than usual and I tilted my head. I was still thinking and asking a million questions.

"What's wrong?" He scanned my face.

"Nothing," I smiled.

I wondered how I could possibly get the courage to ask him to join me in my miserable life. But in a way he already had.