When I Die

Chapter 9

I huffed. "Okay, I'm done denying everything. I'm done being afraid."

Jared smiled and pulled me closer and I rested my head on his lap when I decided to lay down.

He stroked my hair. "You feeling okay now?"

I looked up at him and smiled. "I feel good enough."

He smiled back and leaned down and kissed my lips.

All of a sudden I hear my Dad's voice call from the other side of the door. "Hi Jared!"

Jared looked at me, hesitating to whether or not to answer my Dad. "Uh... Hi Tom!" Jared said and looked at me, shrugging.

Dad opened the door. "Jared, if you're going to be here, make sure you leave the door opened."

Jared nodded. "Got it." He stared at my Dad confused. "Uh... Are you mad that I'm here?"

Dad shook his head. "No, as long as you leave the door open I don't care." Dad turned and left. "Bye Jared."

"Uh... bye Tom." And with that Dad left.

I and Jared started laughing.

"Your Dad is cool." Jared said.

I laughed. "He just wants me to take some risk in life. He just wants me to do something with me life."

"Perk?"

"Total perk."

He laughed. "Well, I'm glad he's all cool with this. Does he know about us?"

I shrugged. "He just assumes at this point."

Jared chuckled. "I think my parents would assume too."

"We spend too much time together, don't we?"

All Jared did was smile and lean down to kiss me.

"Is that a yes or no?" I asked when we parted.

He smiled and pecked my lips. "That's a yes."

"You okay with it?"

"Yeah, I don't have many friends here."

I got off his lap and grabbed my laptop. "You want to be taught HCM?"

He laughed. "What?"

"Do you want to learn about my disease? Just so you have an idea of what you're getting yourself into."

I opened my laptop and went to the tab I kept opened that lead me to a page about Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy.

Jared leaned in to look at the screen. "First off, 1 in every 100,000 children are dianosed with HCM before the age of 18."

Jared looked up at me, taking his eyes off the screen. "When where you dianosed?"

I shrugged. "Around the age of 4."

His eyes grew large. "Wow, you've had it for this long and now you're told you're-" He paused. I wish he would get up the courage to say "die".

I nodded.

"Wow, keep reading."

I popped up a page with the diagram of a healthy heart and a Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy heart.

I pointed at the image. "Right here it shows how the muscles in the heart are enlarged. Compare it to the picture of a normal heart right beside it."

Jared looked at the screen as I explained everything to him. Every once in awhile I caught myself staring at him as his eyes stayed fixed on the screen and I think he was peeking glances at me also.

I explained to him everything I knew about Hyperthrophic Cardiomyopathy. He was a really good listener. He didn't interrupt with stupid comments like this one boy I dated did as I tried to explain my condition to him.

I closed my laptop indicating that I have finish my lecture. "Now you understand?"

Jared nodded. "Yeah, I do. Sounds tough. Not being able to do sports or stuff like that."

I nodded and looked at my closed laptop before looking up at him. "I wanted to be on the swim team in High School but it required a lot of energy and my Dad didn't want me to do anything like that."

Jared grabbed my hand and brushed his thumb over it. "It's okay." Was all he could mutter out.

"I know." I said, leaning back on the bed, his hand still on mine. I sat up after awhile and looked at him. "May I ask you something?"

"Sure."

I took a deep breath. "What is up with you and death? Why don't you like talking about it?"

He just stared ahead at the wall across from him that had my giant poster of Ashton Kutcher on it. He clenched his jaw. "Why you want to know?" He asked, still looking at Ashton Kutcher.

"Because..." I began and paused for a little while. "Every time I say the word or anything similar to it, you always change the subject and don't want to hear of it."

He crossed his arms and fell down on the bed, now staring up at the blue ceiling. "I don't know." He paused for awhile before continuing. "I've never been good with death. I've lost too many people in my life. I just can't take another." He paused and sat up, closing his fist together and putting them under his mouth. "I had an older brother, Jake. He died when I was 13." He kept staring ahead back at Ashton Kutcher.

I put a hand on his back and rubbed it. "I'm sorry. How'd he die?"

He took a deep breath. I could see tears forming in his eyes. "I was 13 and he was 17. Tommy doesn't remember him because he was just a baby. Well, Jake got dianosed with Leukimia shortly after his 16th birthday." He gave a light chuckle. "Happy sweet 16, bro." He said mostly to himself. "Well, apparently the cancer has been building up inside him a couple months before we got the news. I had a feeling that something was wrong when Jake would get sick and doctors would keep dianosing him with the flu or something. Well, about a week after his 16th birthday, he fainted. His face turned pale and he couldn't speak. That's when my parents brought him to the walk-in where they performed numbers of test, finally coming to the conclusion that Jake had Stage 3 Leukimia." He stopped to wipe a tear away. "Well, after several months we came to the conclusion that the cemo wasn't helping because the cancer was too strong. So, they put him on hospist and he would never leave the bed. He was so weak. Wearing a beanie at all times. He was on hospist til' the day he died shortly after he turned 17."

When he stopped and didn't say anything else, I pulled him into a hug and he began to shed tears on my shirt. "I'm so sorry, Jared."

He seperated from me. His eyes red. "Don't be."

"I wish I knew how to help you."

Jared shrugged. "Now you know why I hate hearing about-" He cut himself off, still not wanting to hear the word.

A tear escaped my eye next. "This is why I couldn't be with you." He looked up at me. "I'm going to hurt you like that."

He nodded. "I know and I don't mind. I really wanted to be with you and I didn't care that you are-you know- and I just needed someone to make me happy."

"You are always happy. When I first met you, you where so insane and hyperactive, jumping up to my window with that beautiful smile of your's."

He smiled at himself from my comment. "I'm happy when you're happy." He looked me in the eyes. "I promise you won't hurt me. Life is a gift and I want to spend the rest of your's together."

I looked down, blushing. "Just promise me one thing."

Jared nodded.

"Promise me that when I die that you won't be depressed about it all the time. I want you to find someone who loves you and I want you to one day get married and have kids. But always remember our times together."

He smiled and nodded. "I promise, but no one will ever be you." He leaned into me and kissed my lips, whispering between it, "I love you so much."

I said the same as our lips moved together.