When I Die

Chapter 5

The thing about being sick is that you can never be alone. You have to go to doctors appointments and have drugs put inside your body that you know won't change anything. All they do is give you some time.

I layed in a chair, in a hospital gown, as the doctor, who I have never met before, poked a needle through my chest, sending drugs into my heart.

"You're doing great!" The doctor dude said as he made sure the medicine got in.

The thing was, I had to be completely calm and not think of stuff that will stress out my heart.

After the medicine was all set the doctor dude said he was going to check out my pacemaker and make sure it's fully charged. This caused me to get an x-ray.

The doctor dude looked at the x-ray after he printed it out. I couldn't tell what he was thinking because he had a blank look on his face that was unreadable and could mean anything.

After a while he nodded and wheeled his chair over to the wall and placed the x-ray over a white light. "See here?" The doctor dude said as he pointed at the x-ray. "The pacemaker still has some time before it needs to be renewed. But nothing has changed in your heart. Same as when you last came in here."

"What's the point of this?" I asked in a blurt.

"What?" Doctor Dude said.

"I'm going to die anyway. Why are you guys even trying. It's not like it will fix anything. All it will do is keep me alive a little longer but I'm still going to die."

Dad frowned. "Tori."

"We're doing the best we can." Doctor dude said as he took down the x-ray.

"I'm going to die!" I shouted out. "All this stuff you guys are doing is useless!"

My Dad looked up at me. "Can I talk to the doctor alone for a moment?" He asked me. I obeyed my Dad and grabbed my clothes and left the room, walking to the bathroom.

Once I got into the last stall of the bathroom, I burst into tears. I've been strong for too long. It's going to be my fault that my Dad won't have a child anymore. It's my fault that Dad has to work on the hospital bills all the time. Everything is my fault.

I took the gown off and put my t-shirt on and then my jeans. I stayed in the stall for what seemed like forever. My back rested against the wall. I wanted to text Jared to tell him to come get me so I wouldn't have to be in this hell hole. But I didn't. I couldn't bare it. I don't want to tell him what's going on. The same reason why I can't be with him. He will only get hurt like all the other people I love. My friends have spent years slowly watching me die. Now that I knew I was going to die, I knew he is just going to get hurt. I like him. I really do. But what's the point in liking someone if you're going to end up hurting them.

Sometimes I wish I was never dianosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. All my life I wanted to be like a normal kid. But my whole childhood revolved around me sitting on the couch and watching TV, taking long naps, and endless doctor's appointments.

Let's agree that life sucks. Everyone else gets a choice of what they want to do with their lives. Not me. I never got to choose. Because of this disease, I couldn't make my own decisions.

After a little while longer I decided to head back to the room. My Dad and the doctor dude where just chatting about something unrelated to the cause.

I put the gown on a chair. "Dad, can we go now?"

Dad looked at me and then back at the doctor for approval.

"We are done for today." Doctor Dude said. "Your next appointment will be in exactly two weeks.