Burning Up Like Neon Lights

I still get Jealous

Demi

It took a lot of effort to fly with Nick & Phil on the private plane & pretend that I wasn't a total mess. Not only did I feel guilty for what happened with Nick because of Wilmer, but I also felt bad that I led Nick on. I was a horrible friend. And I was denying my feelings for him. The attraction was real. I may have been confused on if I loved him as deeply as I loved Wilmer, but I was still attracted to him.

I would see the pictures of Nick & Olivia & I'd feel like I was going to throw up, most of the time. So, I tried to just stay off social media all together. At least where they were concerned. I'd avoid watching entertainment news programs, too, because they were literally on every red carpet there was.

I was dreading performing 'Avalanche' with Nick at the Jingle Ball show in L.A. It was supposed to be a surprise, but people guessed what was happening. I didn't see Nick before the show much. We saw each other briefly at soundcheck & then right before he went onstage. I watched from the shadows waiting to join him & I felt the attraction grow. When he was onstage, he was like a beacon in the night. I couldn't look away & I wanted to run to him. It felt comfortable. Maybe it was all those years, growing up on the road together. We would exchange a smile or a look across the stage from each other & it was instantly a comfort to me. To this day, I still felt that feeling of comfort, like a warm blanket, when I was with him, especially when I was onstage with him. That's probably one of the reasons it was so easy transitioning from friends to lovers. It was just so comfortable with him.

I joined Nick onstage when I heard my cue & I was instantly taken back to being a teenager. It was easy, flawless & felt so amazing. It felt right. More right than anything else in my life, if I'm being honest. I loved being on stage with him & it hit me that him & I needed to do something together within our label, once it got off the ground. I needed it. We had written so many songs together that it wouldn't even be that difficult. I felt like it would fill some sort of void for me.

I sang with everything I had, hitting the notes & making Nick look at me, in awe. When I hugged him before I left the stage, I almost burst into tears. I missed this closeness. Since we had broken up, we had to avoid these hugs, publicly, because the rumors would fly. But his hugs were the best. And he smells so incredible.

As I walked off stage, I fought the urge to cry, from how much I missed him & how amazing it was to be on stage with him. Wilmer came up to me & started gushing about the performance. If he was ever insecure about me & Nick, he sure never showed it. He never showed me that he felt threatened by my relationship with Nick. He was such a great guy & I loved him, I know I did. I just wasn't feeling as deeply as in love with him as I thought I should. But I didn't want to hurt him, so I pretended to be deeper in love with him, than I actually was.

The rest of the show was tough. I took pictures with Nick, then with Wilmer. I had to do a lot of acting, that was for sure. I couldn't wait to go home. Olivia was also there & I tried to avoid her as much as I could. She was sitting front row center during our show & I had to act like she wasn't. I caught a glimpse of her once & her pursed mouth & suspicious eyes made me so angry. After the show was over, we all left together & I was so glad when they had two separate cars for us. If I had to get in the same car as Olivia & Nick, I probably would have fallen off the wagon.

I breathed a sigh of relief once our car started moving & we headed home. Wilmer went on & on about my performance with Nick, then he started talking about him & Olivia & how good together they were. I had so many feelings as he spoke. It made me mad. It made me sad. It made me jealous. I didn't want to hear how perfect Olivia was for Nick & I didn't want Wilmer talking about her in such a flattering light. Apparently, the two of them had talked at some point after the show before we were leaving & he was talking about how sweet she was.