Big Daddy | Niall Horan

Chapter Thirteen

Memory One (3rd Person)

Niall stared at the top of his blue ceiling. It’s been a few days since he got home from the hospital. They let him go home early since he was cooperating with the treatments they were giving him for his leg; however it was quite clear to everyone that Niall wasn’t in the best shape. They knew he was hurting; he was hurting because he lost the two most important people in his life. Niall couldn’t believe that he’ll never be able to hold them or hear their little giggles when they would get tickled. He couldn’t believe that no one knew who had taken his precious children away from.

Tears fell from Niall’s started to fall. His breathing became ragged as he tried to set his mind off of self harming himself. He couldn’t keep doing that, he knew that, but a part of him kept telling him that it was the only escape; a part of him told him that it was the only way that his pain would go away until his kids came back to him. Niall’s mind was like a war zone. Parts were telling him there were a lot of simple ways to deal with his problems, like just ending it all, but other parts were telling him that he had to stay strong for Colton and Ciara. They were telling him that they would soon be back in his arms, for him to hold them until they grew to be 18 years old. He wanted them to grow up in a happy home, and by happy home, he meant his home.

Niall flipped over onto his stomach. He buries his face into his pillow, letting out a loud scream before breaking down into sobs. No one was home with him; he felt like they just let him all alone in his time of need, like they did when his first tragedy came; his parents. They promised that they would always be there for him, but did they really mean what they said? To Niall, their words were as true as a compulsive liar telling the truth. His friends really did mean their words, but they didn’t know how to handle it. They were told to give him space for the time being, but the only problem was that they gave him too much space.

Niall felt neglected by his bandmates. He felt betrayed by the people he loved. He felt like no one was there to support him in his time of need, and now the cycle continues. Is this how it’s going to be? Am I going to be alone forever? Niall thinks to himself. The sobs start to grow quieter. He needs an escape; something to make him take his mind off of things. His mind was set on not hurting himself. He couldn’t do that, it would be like hurting his children even more.

Niall grabbed his iPod and plugged in his Beats earphones. He clicked shuffle while closing his eyes, and the first song was Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. In some ways, he saw himself as the singer. He listened carefully to the song. To Niall, he interpreted the song as the singer taking in drugs, like the drugs were making his body radioactive. Images started to pop in Niall’s mind. He saw himself taking in drugs, making him get an escape from the world. Niall’s eyes snap open. He yanks out his earbuds and stares at them. The music rushes out of them.

Was I really thinking about doing drugs? Niall’s mind was spinning. Why did he imagine himself breathing in the white snowflakes? Was his mind trying to tell him something? Was it trying to tell him to use that escape? Niall shook his head. I can’t. It’s not going to happen again. he promises himself. He takes in a deep breath and pushes his courage to put his ear buds back in. The song ends and he listens to the song that his mother would always sing to him.

“Yesterday a child came out to wonder, caught a dragonfly inside a jar. Fearful when the sky was full of thunder and tearful at the falling of a star.” Niall’s unshed tears for his mother started to fall. He can still hear his mother’s voice hidden deep within the song. It still didn’t fully hit Niall that his family was gone; that he will never hear his mother’s voice again or kick a football with his father.

“And the seasons they go round and round, and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captive on the carousel of time. We can't return we can only look behind from where we came. And go round and round and round in the circle game. And go round and round and round in the circle game.” Niall whispered the last few words of the song. As the seasons go around, kids are growing up. Niall barely spent two seasons with his kids let alone four. Niall’s hand found Colton and Ciara’s teddy bears that he had been holding since the day he found out they were gone.

Niall closed his eyes, thinking how his life was suppose to go. He would have his family there when he needed them. He would have his mother who would hold him in times of need; he would have his father who would tell him he’s so proud of his young son for achieving his dreams, and lastly, his brother who would tease Niall about everything, but still loved him no matter what. Niall bit his lip.

He did the most unthinkable thing. He prayed. He prayed to God to bring him his children back safe and sound. He prayed that his parents and brother were up in heaven not feeling any pain. He prayed that one day he’ll see his kids again. He prayed that his friends would come to him. He prayed that the little hope he still had was strong enough to keep him alive until his kids came back. After say amen in his prayer, he felt his mind wander off into darkness, leaving him in a dreamless sleep.

[So I’m gonna be doing this every once in awhile as chapters to make up for rushing this story so much! Hope you guys liked this memory. It made me cry :( Listen to the song on the side. “The Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell. It’s an amazing song! Love you guys :)]