Defy Gravity | The Sequel | Eren x OC

Chapter 39: The Deep Blue Sapphire Sea

You sniffle and hold your hands to your mouth as you begin to weep quietly as Eren looks at you sadly and kisses your face sweetly, "I love you so much Eury... I fucking wish I could take your pain on, I feel so fucking guilty that I can't feel that flutter as well. All I feel is a massive hole in my heart like my life is completely incomplete without them."

He holds you as you keep crying and you sniffle and stop when a child notices you and points to you in concern. You wipe your tears on your coat and let out a deep sigh as you reflect. "I carried two babies Eren... three actually," you say sadly. "And I feel that loss deep in my heart every day now..."

"Three babies?" Eren says in confusion, and you nod sadly.

"Yeah... remember I had an abortion when I was married to Porco?"

"Oh..." Eren says and flushes slightly. "I didn't think you even thought of that one really..."

"I do..." you say slowly. "I mean... not as much as Oliver and Lily but I never deep down wanted to give up that baby. I did it cause my marriage was already falling apart and I didn't want to bring my baby into that situation... but if it had been going well, if Porco wasn't such an asshole, I wouldn't have done what I did."

Eren nods slowly as he begins rubbing your back in sadness. "Do you... do you regret giving it up?"

You think it over and sigh heavily, "No. I know in my heart that I made the right decision, but there's not a day that goes by now that..." you sniffle as you feel your eyes well slightly, "there's not a day that I don't wish I could've well and truly experienced having a child that grew up to have a life of their own..." You chuckle sadly and wipe your eyes, "It's a fucked-up thing to say isn't it Eren? But that baby I had with Porco; it was the luckiest one of the three. That one went away peacefully in a hospital bed and the other two... they suffered horrifically..."

You drop your face into your hand and cry softly, "Did you hear what I said? That baby was the lucky one... God, I'm the worst mother in the world, I kept exposing my children to these horrible situations all because I wanted to be a mother. I didn't protect them one bit."

"You did protect them," Eren says firmly. "And you didn't expose them to shit, I did and so did those other guys..."

You run your fingers through your hair as you feel yourself opening the door to the guilt you've harboured, all the guilt you've held onto for such a long time. You breathe deeply as you remember your pregnancy in Lucerne, how much you struggled to keep yourself and Oliver alive.

"Did I tell you I almost had an abortion in Lucerne?" you say gently and Eren furrows his brows in confusion and you sigh. "Not as Rose, as Yurie. I was... I guess I was kind of semi-forced into going to see a midwife to have Oliver aborted... but I couldn't go through with it...she literally had her forceps between my legs and I stopped her."

Eren nods slowly and rubs your back harder. "Why didn't you? You didn't owe me a thing at that point Eury..."

"I know I didn't," you sigh sadly, your eyes sunken. "I... I think it was that damn Attack Titan bullshit again... I must have felt some lingering sadness from my abortion as Rose and I didn't want to lose another baby. I didn't care if I had to raise it alone and poor, I didn't want to lose another. And seeing that vision of the four of us in the cabin with me pregnant, I guess I had this slim hope that you'd still come home to me one day..."

Eren sighs heavily as he rests his head into your shoulder. "It's not your fault Eury... you didn't expose Oliver to anything..."

"Didn't I?" you sniffle. "Didn't I expose him to sleezy men when I prostituted myself and malnutrition when I was starving and the threat of a watery grave all because I wanted to be a mother for once? And that's not even to mention what I did to Lily...what I let that man do to Lily..."