Deadland

Chapter 98- Rollercoaster of Emotions

The gnome stands next to me as I sit on my ever-familiar picnic table. I'm not allowed to help because the doctors said I have a high chance of infection.

Damien approaches me, his jaw tensed. "Adrian," He hisses. 

"Yes?" I ask. 

"What the fuck?" 

I raise an eyebrow, "El...aborarte?" 

"That! Right there! You're high." Damien spits, crossing his arms. 

"On weed." 

"Bullshit. If we even have any left, it's at Alexandria." 

I hesitate, trying to beat my intoxicated mind and come up with a solution. "Pain meds." 

Damien scoffs angrily, running a finger through his short hair. "Adrian, I'm not gonna raise my voice, but what the fuck? Why the hell would you do that? Now?" 

I purse my lips and try to ignore the spinning colors behind Damien, "I didn't do it when the Walker thing happened. I did it before." 

"That's supposed to make it better?! Alyssa's boyfriend just died! Your little brother just died, everyone is hurting now because half of Hilltop and Alexandria just...died. You taking it before the 'Walker thing' doesn't make it any better. You said you were clean-" 

"No the fuck I didn't. I just wasn't allowed drugs." 

Damien scowls, "You're a fucking coward, Adrian." 

Slap!

Damien's head turns to the right as I slap him, hard, making me wince at my stab wound. "Do not ever call me a coward. Ever." My words are harsh, spoken through angry, gritted teeth. 

I am not a coward, even my fucked-up mind can understand that. 

Damien's cheek begins to darken to a dark shade of red as his eyes narrow at mine. "I've been through hell, Damien. Worse than it. You haven't. You can not tell me if I'm a coward or not because I'm one o' the strongest people here by far." 

I huff, "If I wasn't high right now, I woulda' shot my brains out hours ago, that's why I'm high." Damien's eyes widen slightly. 

"I was diggin' in my backpack for more bullets when I found some leftover LSD that y'all didn't find when you threw away or took or whatever the fuck'ed my drugs." 

I take a step closer to Damien, speaking in a lower tone. "I woulda' been with those bodies. I woulda' made sure not to miss. So back the fuck up and check yourself. Because I'm half-blind in one eye and missin' a foot and still managed to kill Nick after I was bleeding out." 

Damien stares at me for a moment, his cheek now a bright red in the shape of my hand. 

His eyes trail down to his feet before flicking back to mine. He inhales before saying, "Thank you for taking whatever you took." 

I pause for a moment, feeling the LSD starting to wear off and now being replaced with actual emotions. "Damien, I-" 

I don't know how to say what I want to say. It feels like there's a fist in my throat, grasping tightly onto the words my brain wants me to say. Every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out except for a sigh.

My voice cracks as I finally manage to speak. "I'm not doing okay...Damien." 

He hesitates, suffering under the weight of my confession. 

"You've been through this before." 

I shake my head, my chin trembles. "Not like this, not- not like this. It's bad. It's real, real bad and I don't- I-" I inhale sharply. "I don't know if I can fight it off this time."