Deadland

Chapter 97- Bad Timing

(TW!! Mentions of abuse, drug usage, self-harm, and suicide!!)

It's only been around three hours since I read the letter but I can walk again, I guess I just needed to get used to being alive again. 

Alyssa is sitting next to me, Cato was informed to go wait in Gregory's old house on the hill since we was technically a Savior, Damien is waiting with him upon my request, and Inejra went to go sit alone; probably to keep herself from killing me for not letting her go find Gabriel.

Maggie, Michonne, Rosita, and Enid went to go see about some trade offer. They said they may get "they key to the future", whatever the hell that means.

Alyssa stares at her feet, playing with her necklace. 

I look at her, "Your hat's clean." 

She shrugs, "Damien washed it a few days ago. You haven't noticed?" 

I shake my head, "When have I had time to notice?" 

"Been too busy mutilating Nick." Alyssa whispers.

I raise an eyebrow, "You saw him?" 

She nods, "I was the only one who did. Tried to keep everyone else from seeing it. I knew it was too violent for them to see." She stares at me. "You ripped his throat out." 

I feel absolutely no remorse for anything that I did to Nick. In fact, I feel like it wasn't brutal enough, though, I am still covered in his blood. 

I look at my red hands, the blood cracking and flaking in the less thick parts. "I did." I agree. 

"Why didn't you do worse?" She asks suddenly, her voice empty, her gaze trailing back to her feet.

"What?" 

"Why..." She looks back at me, her eyes red. "Didn't you do worse? Adrian, he ruined you." 

"Alyssa...I-what?" Alyssa has never been like this. Yes, she hated Nick, but she's never wanted someone to die brutally- more brutally than someone getting their esophagus ripped out. 

"He ruined you! And in return he ruined me! Imagine watching your older sister get lost in drugs, a gang, come to your house with new bruises but some random excuse for every single one of 'em! You tried to kill yourself twice, your wrists and thighs are covered in scars, not to mention your back." Alyssa exclaims.

"What feels like every few months you go back into this episode where you don't smile, you don't laugh your contagious laugh, you don't make jokes, you don't hug, you aren't Adrian. You know how bad that hurts? Not to turn it on me, but Nick did all of that. And you killed him by ripping his throat out?" Alyssa's eyes are glossy with tears and she's bouncing her leg quickly, her hand back on her necklace.

"I didn't have enough time to do anything worse, 'Lyss. You think I would have chosen to not torture the shit out of his ass? I was stabbed, what the fuck else was I supposed to do?" My jaw is clenched tightly, I don't know why she's pissed that he died more peacefully than I wish he did. 

Alyssa glances at the blood covering my clothes and neck. "Why did you go back to him? You're back to your 'before your second suicide attempt' self again." 

I chew on my cheek and sigh, my body deflating uncomfortably but I don't have enough energy to straighten up. "I had no choice." I admit. "Eventually, his manipulative tactics worked and I did fall right back into his arms. Do I like it? Why the fuck would I? He ruined Daryl and I's relationship, he ruined my already very low self-esteem, he ruined my seritonin, I feel like I don't even know how to laugh anymore, 'Lyss."