Everyone keeps asking where I got the idea for Monica, she's basically sort of like me, but over the top and this poem, I started to write bits of the story when I were angry, hurt, confused, conflicted or grappling with my emotions and eventually Monica was born!
Once it hurt me so bad
I cried
I felt numb
I didn't want to forgive you
Then I found my insecurities
I forgive you because of my healing
If I truly wanted to impress you
I'd lie like those other women
I'd know how to dress to make you chase me
I'd know what to say and how to act
I chose to be normal and see if you were strong and true
See if you were really looking at beauty or truly looking at me
It was all a lie
You made me numb and I don't care if anyone ever holds my hand
You gave me hope then took it away
You made me believe a fairytale that isn't real
I waited for you to come rescue me
Only you were nowhere to be found
No where near me, I became ineligible....
In a ballroom full of women you wouldn't pick me
So why did I believe you
It hurts more never knowing what could have been
It hurts me more knowing you are a manipulator
Using people for ego and then boasting about it
Or never caring who gets hurt
Nothing is worth dunya it never lasts and eventually
I learned never get my hopes up
Don't fall too quickly
Or feel a strong attachment
It only brings pain 💔
I was a very numb person, especially 2018/19 I was anxious when it come to matters of the heart, and lost hope, but After this experience I began to question my selfworth, I was determined because I was angry and upset.
I never felt Envy until I was wanted and then unwanted, then I knew I didn't like the feeling it made me feel sick and eventually I was not jealous I was hurt.
I literally lost it I started to cry and felt insecure...(which I used in Vokasovich)
Time went on and I then was determined to forget the experience, but not the lessons I learned and the Envy(i hated that feeling), the grudges all stopped I felt no resentment because I learned to love someone more important...
Myself!
I got into the nick of juggling two jobs, I eventually got to a place of security myself and without anybodys help at all...
So in a way I'm glad that person hurt me, rejected me because it made me become someone I loved and I was determined and not even to impress him, even if it started out that way it isn't like this anymore! I wouldn't care if we saw each other again or we didn't.
I'm my own person now and I don't dislike him I have a lot of respect for him and admire him in ways.
He brought me to a place of security and happiness, I feel hopeful even if he doesn't know it, but I do pray everyone finds a soulmate.
I am single at present and have been for many years i just don't need a false idea that a partner is all i need for happiness, i struggle on the daily, I'll continue to struggle on my own, you don't die with a partner and maybe thy lord wanted to save me from that grief - who knows...
The missing part is me finding myself, but that'll be boring so I actually made the character go missing.
Emily isn't a real sister of mine I just made her up, Craig is my brother in a fantasy world just not real life and of course he's spruced up, but my brother isn't selfish he's loyal so Craig needed a spruce up
Sofia is my friends name but not her lol I do use some of her character in real life....
Tommy is no one just thought up on the spot...
Marcus was the first name that popped into my head...
Mike was my media studies/ film making tutor when I was 14...
Ibrahim washes cars and is a loud funny yemeni that everyone likes so he definitely had to be in the book...
I wanted to add people here I was scared about adding this guy in the poem it might anger him or something so I didn't want to and he might probably find it weird, but I do have a soft spot there...
I fitted the guy who used to stare at me all the time, he did make me feel uncomfortable and in was always wondering what he thought when he looked haha I was 14 and on holiday 😅 so I over exaggerated Monica!
