Deadland

Chapter 93- Re-Traumatized

"Nick...ruined me. Worse than I've ever been before. I can't even be in the same room as a guy without having one foot outside and one of my hands on my gun. I cheated on you-" 

"That wasn't cheating." He interrupts me. 

"Yes, it was. I cheated on you and you know it. I almost ratted you out to the group!" 

"Almost." 

"I was going to." I reply quickly. "The day that y'all kidnapped me back, if I found you I was gonna bring you back. Not for Negan, not for Nick, but because you were a prisoner." 

Daryl stares at me, his eyes full of betrayal. "It was because of Nick." He says. 

I nod, "Yeah, it was. But that doesn't make it any better." I stare at Daryl, remembering everything. Both good and bad about our relationship. 

"I love you, Daryl. Fuck, I love you so much. But...I can't be with someone. I can't be with the person I almost got killed and I can't be with a man. You know that, you knew that as soon as I fell right back into Nick's arms. Nick ruined men for me, convinced me every man is gonna beat and rape and whatever the fuck to me." 

Daryl nods, very obviously holding back tears which makes me want to curl into a ball and sob. 

"You hit me and I know," I make sure to continue before Daryl interrupts me. "I know it was an accident. But...my brain is fucked up from Nick. I'm not gonna be able to be in the same room as you alone, let alone be in a relationship with you. I can't even touch anyone right now without tensing." 

"You're seriously gonna let Nick win on this?" He asks. 

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair, "Daryl, I have to. Do I want to? Fuck no. But...I have to before I go to defend myself even if you're not going to hurt me." 

Daryl nods but doesn't say anything, so I continue talking. "Fuck, I wish it could be different. I wish I wasn't such a fuckin' pussy and I wish I didn't let Nick back in. But I did. And now you and I both have to deal with the consequences." I pause. 

"You waited years for me after Nick. And I'm the one hurting you. Which, fuck, hurts. Because you have been through so much and I don't want to be the person to add to that. But if we stay together it would hurt both of us way more. When I get scared, I get violent. And if you make a single fuckin' sudden move and it triggers something I could hurt you. Physically. And I would rather overdose than do that shit." 

"I've been through so much?" He starts, straightening up. I look at him confusedly but I don't say anything. "Adrian, you were being abused and raped by Nick for years, you were involved with drugs and a gang, you watched your dad go insane, lost your foot, were a sex slave, watched your best fuckin' friend and first love after Nick get killed right in front of you by the man who you thought you could trust, then you got involved with Nick and drugs all over again." 

Daryl continues, "I have not been through half the shit you've been through."

Debatable.

"You're breaking up with me for both of us because you know you would end up hurting me more if we stayed together. That proves that you're not too far gone. But you need to stay safe and alive. Breaking up with me is gonna make sure that happens." 

I sniff and blink back a tear, trying to keep a tough exterior.

"I love you, Adrian. I know I hit you and I know that may cause you to think differently, but I do. But if I love you, I have to let you do this."