The Adventure of a Lifetime Awaits

The Pain of Reveal

"I ask Chris to text you all. I have something that needs to be addressed. Changbin, you already know what's fixing to happen."

"Lynn, wait. You don't have to do this baby." Changbin stands up and walks to me. Coming around to stand in front of me, he looks at me.

"I have to Bin. I have to face this fear. It's eating away at me right now and sucking away the happiness I want to feel. If I don't face this, them, I'm going to be crushed by my own fear and insecurities. You helped, but I have to see what I saw from you from all of them. They have to see what you saw. Ok?"

He must see the determination in my eyes, because he just shakes his head and hugs me. "Want me to stand with you?" Shaking my head no, he sighs, but goes to sit back down.

Turning around, I take in each of them. The look of worry is on each of their beautiful faces. Chris looks genuinely hurt. The feeling of fear is palpable in the room and I don't know if it's just mine or from all of us. Taking a deep breath again, I begin talking.

"From the beginning, I've questioned why. Why any of you would see me as anything other than an older woman. I've wondered what any of you could even remotely see in me. Please, stop Chris "I say as he starts to object, "just let me say what I need to say." I see the hurt, but I have to do this.

"What I'm going to say, please just let me say it. I am scared right now. I'm scared of what I am feeling. I have only dreamt of being this close to y'all, let alone being able to meet you. Sure, I have to the money to get up close seats, VIP backstage, but I didn't. Why, well before because I was too big. Seats in stadiums aren't exactly fat friendly. Especially for those of us with big butts and hips. And the thought of any of you seeing me like that. It wasn't happening. That's why I freaked when you saw my old license."

"To be in the room, talking to you amazing men, is still very surreal to me. But to know that for some fucking reason that I can't fathom, you all want to date me. Me? I am 43 and a larger woman. Because yes, I've lost 150 pounds, but do any of you have a clue as to what I still weigh? My goal was to not be skinny, but healthy. I've done that. I'll have around 20 or so pounds of skin removed. Even then, I will still probably weigh more than any of you. I think you can tell by my body shape. My curves and fat ass ain't going away. So why in hell would any of you see anything other than a fat woman in front of you? No, a fat, old woman."

I hold my hand up to stop them from saying anything. Tears streaming down my face, I continue.

"This. This is a 200 pound woman is who is standing in front of you. You keep saying you don't care about age. Ok, whatever. I'll accept that. But this body, this body... I still despise. I hate the hanging skin, I hate that when I look in the mirror, all I see is the fat woman that I was. I want to be with y'all, but I am terrified. How can any of you look at me and find this sexy? HOW????" I scream at them, my emotions overtaken everything.

Looking at them, seeing tears streaming down their faces as they watch me. Changbin is sobbing and I can tell it is taking everything in him to not run to me. Turning around, I take a deep breath and slowly lift my sweatshirt up and take it off.

"Lynn, honey, you don't have to do this!" Changin yells out at me. "YES I DO!" Standing in just Chris's sweatpants and my bra, I stretch my arms out so the skin hangs.

"Th-this is what I see every day." I take a deep breath and turn around with my eyes closed, so they see my stomach and the pulled, loose skin as well. "This is just a portion of what I look like under my clothes. This skin (tugging at it). This skin, I fucking HATE!!! I despise this body I am in. So how in the hell can any of you want to date something like this! You are gorgeous! You are sexy beyond imagination, and just absolutely brilliant. You, all of you, can have any female you want. What the hell do you see in this?"