DIARY OF A NAIVE GIRL highlights the not-so-fun roller coaster story of Augustine Leonora De Vera, as she started to unravel the truth about her life as time goes by and as she grow up seeing things in a wider perspective ripping her naiveness apart...
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APRIL 9, 2024
I knew it.
I fucking knew it.
Ever since last year, iba na talaga ang pakiramdam ko, I knew something is off with me that's why I decided to write all the things that are constantly happening in me, at doon ko nalaman na lahat pala ng iyon ay symptoms that I have a brain cancer.
From the headaches, vomiting, out of balance, hangang sa paralysis na nangyari sa akin kahapon.
Hindi ko pa man nalaman mula kay Mommy, alam ko nang brain cancer ang sakit ko, I looked up online kung ano ang mga possibleng dahilan ng mga nangyayari sa akin.
I just waited for Mommy to admit it to me dahil may parte pa sa akin na ayaw maniwala na may cancer ako, ayaw kong paniwalaan na may cancer ako dahil natatakot ako, hinintay ko ang sasabihin ni Mommy dahil baka may iba pa palang dahilan nito na hindi kasing lubha ng cancer, but... it is what it is, tapos may kasama pang leukemia? Another cancer? Two cancer in one body?
Oh please let me live peacefully!
Tapos narinig ko pa sa sabi ni Mommy na I already got this ever since I was born, and now, it is coming back to me.
So, this means that I really meant to die? Na hindi talaga ako magtatagal dito sa mundo?
It makes sense now.
It makes sense to me now ang lahat ng ginagawa sa akin ni Mommy, first is pinaghandaan na niya ang kamatayan ko kaya binibigyan niya ako nitong notebook at ng mini camera ever since I was 7 para kapag wala na ako, may matatago pa siya na ala-ala mula sa akin, that's why she wants me to record everything in my life dahil anytime, pwede akong mamatay.
Second is Karl and Daddy, she don't want me to get attached to people dahil hindi ko din naman sila makakasama ng matagal.
I always wish that I could live the life of a normal kid before and the life of a normal teenager now, but I just realized na simula pa noong pinanganak ako ay hindi na ako normal, my life was meant to be not normal just like everything around me is meant to be just a memory after I die.
I didn't expected this, or if I have... I didn't want it to be real.
I can still remember my first time writing on this notebook, it was September 2, 2013. I was delighted before that Mommy gave this to me and that I had a very fun 7th birthday, I was talking all about happy things before, but now... I am now writing all about my death.
Is this my last diary?
I don't know.
Maybe.
It just makes me sad thinking how fast the transition of my life is, from being a clueless child; thinking that everything happens in a good reason, just thinking about fun things, just thinking that I am healthy and no cancer is in me, to talking about my last time here, talking about things that makes me sad.
I can't stop crying right now.
Ang bigat ng puso ko and I don't want this.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die in this way.
I think it's still too early.
I think it's still too early because I'm still not satisfied in my life, I still want to explore more, I still want to be happy, I still want to continue my life and maybe experience everything I haven't done before, I still want to be in this world more.
Yes, I attempted suicide before, but... I just realized that I'm afraid of death.
If this is my last diary... if I can talk to my childhood now, I want to say that she should not dreamt on growing up.
Because she thought that if she will grow up, all of her problems will be gone and that everything will be all happiness, but... I want to tell her that it's better to stay young than growing up, it's better to be young and be naive than growing up and knowing everything about me, growing up thinking about dying.
I hope, I hope... she will just stay young because hindi ko na kaya ngayon, hindi ko na kaya ang mga nangyayari ngayon.
Should I say goodbye to this notebook now?
This notebook became my friend, my mentor, and my guide everytime I needed a companion. This notebook helps me to heal my heart everytime it is breaking.
So, if this is my last diary... I just want to say goodbye.
Goodbye, and I can only hope that I should've just enjoyed my life and my childhood before I enter this stage.
