DIARY OF A NAIVE GIRL highlights the not-so-fun roller coaster story of Augustine Leonora De Vera, as she started to unravel the truth about her life as time goes by and as she grow up seeing things in a wider perspective ripping her naiveness apart...
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MARCH 23, 2023
I pity myself.
I'm too young to experience everything I've been through; I'm too young to experience pain in every single aspect of myself; I'm too young to unravel the sadness and cruelty of the world and everybody around me; I'm too young to commit and try to kill myself.
I pity myself.
I am now slowly entering my adolescence stage, I am now slowly feeling my growth, but honestly... I feel bad for myself because I don't have the opportunity to enjoy my childhood.
Everyone's dream is to live their life in the best way they can before they will enter the phase of their life where they need to do everything and face everything, even pain, to survive their life; everyone's dream is to have a happy young age before they will enter the unpleasant year of reality.
But for me, I didn't have the opportunity to have it, and I really pity myself.
What I just want ever since before is to have a happy life, but until now... I still don't have it.
It's been almost 5 years before Daddy and I first met, and I still remember when he said that he will come back for me, na aayusin niya muna ang lahat ng problema at babalik siya para sa akin, pero hanggang ngayon... hindi ko na nakita pang muli ang kahit anino niya.
He said he will come back and I waited... and right now, unti-unti na akong napapagod. I waited for 11 years bago siya nakita for the first time, and now, I have to wait for how many years again before I could see him again.
And it is frustrating and disappointing.
Araw-araw kong pilit na sinasabi sa sarili ko na babalik din si Daddy, pero araw-araw ko ding binibigo ang sarili ko.
I have this feeling that I don't want to feel na nagsasabing hindi na siya babalik.
I don't want to lose hope but I'm slowly feeling that I might lose it anytime soon.
It feels like yesterday when we first met; when I first see his face and embraced his body with love and tender, but it feels like forever thinking all the wait that I did and will do for him.
Hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ulit ako maghihintay? Or... Kailangan ko pa ba talagang maghintay?
Another thing in my life aside for waiting for Daddy, is having Mommy.
How many years have passed, and now that I'm in this age, I'm slowly noticing what she was doing to me since I was 7 years old.
Tama nga siya, ngayon na unti-unti na akong lumalaki at nagiging aware sa lahat ng bagay, ay unti-unti ko na ding nakikita ang mga ginagawa niya.
Since I was a child, I thought na ang pagbibigay niya sa akin ng mga notebooks, journals, at iba pa ay wala lang, na para lang na hindi siya makapag-bigay ng laruan sa akin.
But now... I realized that everything she gave to me, is related in securing my memory.
She wants me to remember all the things that happened to me by writing it in a paper, and capturing it in my camera.
Which has a good and bad side, because even a year or even a decade have passed, I can still remember and even reminisce all the happiness I have and even the pain, anger, and sadness that lingers in my heart for how many years. I could still remember my smiles and my tears.
But now... the question I have is why?
Why is Mommy doing this? Why does she wants me to have this thing and remember all my memories when I grow up, just like I'm about to die soon?
Parang mamamatay na ako dahil gusto niyang alalahanin ko ang lahat ng bagay na nangyari sa akin.
It seems like I have something in me that Mommy is hiding for how many years. A thing that she don't want me to know about myself.
