Cursive Conundrums

lxxi

James took up running.

Every time his thoughts got too loud he'd grab his trainers and run until the pounding of his feet was all he could focus on.

He ran until his entire body ached then stood under scalding water, scrubbing at skin that never felt completely clean.

It became a routine.

And then the letter came.

A single page letter inviting him to join a war that he didn't know his place in.

After graduating, most kids took the summer to spend time with friends and family, travel, and celebrate before finding a job the following fall.

James wasn't even sure he wanted to be an Auror yet, after all, he'd only been graduated for three days. He should've been allowed more time to figure out his future. And yet...it seemed to have been decided for him.

The Order of the Phoenix.

Not even two days later the second letter came; an invitation to tryout for the Falmouth Falcons.

Both letters were hidden in the bottom of James's trouser drawer.

He couldn't tell Regulus, who had made his opinion about James joining the war very clear. He couldn't tell Sirius who wasn't speaking to him, and he couldn't bring himself to tell Remus who had been thrown in the middle of the arguments between the three boys.

So James ran, put on a smile, and pretended everything was perfect.

If everything else was falling apart in the lives of those he loved, he'd stay stable. He had to.

He rinsed the suds out of his hair and toweled dry.

He braced his hands on the sinks counter and took a deep breath, tipping his head up towards the ceiling.

Everything was moving all too fast and in so many directions that James didn't even know what was happening in his own life. It was maddening, any control he once had was slipping away quicker than he could grab hold.

"James! Almost done?" Remus banged on the door, "you've been in there forever mate."

"Yeah." James sighed, "yeah, sorry, I'm done."

He fastened the towel around his waist and opened the door, letting the steam pour out.

"Thanks man." Remus said.

James nodded, retreating to his room.

"Hey." Regulus looked up. He was perched on the windowsill, his knees tucked up under his chin. "How was your run?"

"Good." James said, walking over, "what're you doing Love?"

He looked out the window to see Sirius gardening.

Regulus met his gaze with a sheepish smile.

"Oh Love," James sighed, "he'll come around."

"What if he doesn't?" Regulus sighed. "All of this would've been avoided if I wasn't such a fucking coward."

"That's not true." James said.

Regulus gave him a look. "It's absolutely true James. Think about it—If I had left with Sirius to start, he wouldn't be mad at either of us. We would probably still be together and my fucking father wouldn't be dead."

"Reg, you were fifteen."

"What a big difference two years makes." Regulus drawled sarcastically.

"I'm serious Regulus." James said. "You were only a child. Even now you're hardly an adult. Give yourself some grace Love."