For My Soul

Chapter 39

Amelia's POV. Find things to be thankful for

"I'd never choose to defend someone who hurt you..." Darcie says, yet she then proceeds to defend him anyway. "But maybe he just got bad news or something; maybe he just wasn't in the mood to talk."

She doesn't need to defend him to me. I am already subconsciously making up justification as to why he was so cold and off with me this morning. But I pull a face down at the parsnips I am cutting up anyway, upset that she wasn't immediately cursing his name.

"I don't need you to defend him, Darce. You asked how it was this morning between us, and I explained."

She nods, standing beside me, gently washing up the pots we had already used this morning. "So, did you fall out?"

"No. I am not mad at him; I just don't enjoy the whole hot and cold thing."

"I don't think he enjoys it either." She says softly.

I shoot her a look. "Stop it," I complain. "Be on my side."

"I am on your side." She laughs. "I just know that you do not actually want me to slate him right now.'

I hate that she is correct. He didn't even do anything. A few sharp words. A few cold moments. It isn't enough for me to be upset.

"But last night..." I say pathetically. Oh man, I don't know. Last night, we felt so close, and I know that just because I am an utter idiot and developing feelings for this boy doesn't exactly mean that these feelings are reciprocated... But damn it- last night, I sort of felt they were.

"Last night?" She prompts.

I chop harder. "No, nothing."

"No, no, tell me. Did you... I mean, I guess you hooked up again last night?"

My face reddens at the memory. We definitely hooked up, but back at his, all we did was sleep and shower; that's what I am referring to.

The River that took me into the bathroom stall excites me and makes me feel desired, confident, and attractive. The one that lies on my chest and complains about how far away I am melts me. He makes my whole body warm, my stomach, my chest, my throat, my cheeks. It's him that I miss when he goes cold.

"Ew, stop thinking about it." Darcie teases, laughing loudly when my face heats more, and I grumble to tell her to shut up. "Tom is almost on his way over. Shall I tell him to pick up anything?"

"Er, no, I don't think so," I say. My head has been all over the place, but I have everything I need for dinner. "Oh shit. Yeah... I need some white wine. Cooking wine specifically. I thought we had some, but I can't find it."

She nods and dries her hands, texting her boyfriend back. Darcie then looks at me. "So you slept together, and then in the morning, he was standoffish?"

I nod.

Darcie frowns. "Yeah, ok, maybe he is a jerk."

I smile a little at her slight change of opinion. I then look down at the array of vegetables and begin separating them to figure out cooking time. The rest of the meal is pretty much done and prepped. Just the vegetables need work.

"I think..." I say and look at Darcie. "Please don't repeat this or anything. Even to Thomas."

She nods.

I focus on getting the vegetables done as I talk.

"I think he has a lot of trauma," I say quietly. "But I worry that if this goes anywhere that every time we fight, or anytime he does something that hurts me, I will just justify it as a trauma response because I know a lot about that and like- his retreating today, his closing off was such a standard trauma response it was so obvious to see that-"