Goodbye

Page 23

Honestly, the last thing I expected was to meet Viola at the convenience store. Viola and Emilia were not neighbours but they did in fact live close to each other. We used to run into each other quite often at night, when the crows were out hunting and the moon was creepily smiling. Most of the time Viola just glared at me with her half-closed blue eyes. She either looked like a cat or like a really tired and mad person. This time however she decided that it was not even worth to breathe the same air as me. She grabbed the first thing she could find and rushed to the cashier. It did not take her long to realise that she had not brought enough money with her to buy the small buttery cookies.

I sighed and then decided to pay for her. Viola tried everything to prevent that from happening but I was faster. As we left the store, Viola annoyingly announced that I should not expect her to thank me for what I did. I did not expect her to thank me. Neither did I expect her to simply sit down on the stairs and eat the cookies. It was rather cold outside but she probably did not realise it. She wore a ridiculous red and white tracksuit that kept her warm, while I was freezing despite wearing a thick coat.

"What are you looking at? You got a problem?" Viola asked utterly disgusted.

"Don't you think it's a bit late for snacks?"

"It's called a midnight snack! Stop asking this question every time you see me here!" Viola did not even bother to offer a single cookie to me. She ate them without a care in the world and every time a car drove by, so basically every ten seconds, she clicked her tongue. 

I carefully thought about how to continue this conversation. No matter what, I kept on reminding myself of what Salem had told me. It sounded foolish, even to me, but I could not help but question it. Could Viola really have started the fight on purpose? Impossible.

Viola noticed that I was still watching her. She called me a creep. I defended myself and told her that I was just staying by her side for her own safety. Then she called me a pervert and I realised that no matter what I said, Viola would have continued to remind me of my not so innocent reputation.

Viola did not stay for long. She finished the cookies in a matter of seconds and then got up to leave. I realised that I had not mentioned the letter yet but to be quite honest, I did not expect her to even listen to me. Then again, it would not hurt to try. I took a deep breath.

"Did you put Esra's letter in Lisa's paper bag?" For a moment Viola stayed quiet. A red car drove by but Viola did not click her tongue. It was generally speaking rather quiet.

I did not know what look Viola had on her face. I only saw her back. Perhaps she was satisfied. Perhaps she felt guilty. Perhaps I was wrong to believe in her innocence.

"And why exactly would I do that? You think I'm a sex-driven maniac like you that would do something like this? Just so you know, you can't change the past. I know the reason why you left."

Viola was right. Everything she said was the true and I was well aware of that. It hurt. It hurt so badly but I had to admit that she was not wrong. Just one look at her keen eyes was enough to leave me quiet. Regret. Anger. Those emotions were fighting inside of me. It was as though I had no control over my own emotions. The memory just repeated itself. It was the night that I wanted to forget. The way Emilia looked at me was burned into my mind. How could I ever forget about it? She was frightened because of me and I could not understand why.

I did not dare to say anything. Viola had her own worries. One of those worries even had a name. The name was Bill. Neither Esra, no Viola had it easy. I was the one that knew it the best because I was not any better than Bill.

When I got back to Emilia's house, she had already been asleep. The door to her room was closed and I could not see any lights. Salem was sleeping over. For the first time she did not sneak into my room. She stayed with Emilia. I had to smile. She really did get a second chance. My hand was trembling as I touched the frail light-coloured wood of the door. Usually I would get worried about splinters but this time I just wanted to feel the wood on my fingertips. I sighed and took a look at my hands. They had changed. They were not as scary as they used to be anymore.

I lay my head on the door and listened to the silence of the night. The wood was not cold. The wood was not warm. It was absolutely neutral. Perfect balance.

"You can do this."

I leaned away from the door and took a last deep breath, before turning around and walking towards my own room. Slowly. Elegant. Calm. I heard a noise behind me. I turned around and suddenly I saw Emilia opening the door in her pyjamas. It was a little too dark to see everything but nevertheless Emilia was as clear as the sky to me. She was just like a bright star in the dark. Every time I saw her, the world around me started to sparkle.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Emilia shook her head. She motioned for me to be quiet because Salem was already asleep.

"Water." She whispered in her already mouse-like voice.

I told her to wait and ran down the stairs to bring her a glass of water. If I had not been cautious I would have tripped but luckily nothing happened. I handed her the glass. She took a sip and offered for me to drink some water as well but I told her that I did not need any. She tilted her head to the side, as if she did not believe me but in the end she emptied the whole glass. When she handed me the glass back, our fingers accidentally brushed for a split second. It was not so much so an accident. I just wanted to touch her. A subtle, delicate touch that conveyed a thousand unwritten emotions. It was calming and a little nerve wrecking. My fingers nervously toyed with the glass, before I put it on top of the shelf next to me.

When I gazed at her eyes, I just wanted to reach out to her. My heart was racing. I thought that it was going to explode. Slowly I moved my hand towards her. Sometimes I stopped because I was hesitant. Was this really alright for me to do? I tried to move forward. Just a bit more. A tiny bit more. The space between us narrowed and our breathes synchronised.

I gently cupped Emilia's cheek, as I could not help my hand from shaking. Her skin felt warm and soft beneath my fingertips. Her hair was tickling the back of my hand but in the meantime I just loved how her curls were almost like soft, dreamy clouds. I wanted to look at her. I wanted to see her childlike eyes and the freckles on her cheeks. I wanted to see Emilia.

"I really meant what I said about my feelings for you and I know that yours are not the same as mine." I whispered calmingly. Emilia suddenly tried to say something but I cut her off.

"It's okay, you don't have to deny it. I don't mind, really. All I want is for you to be happy. After all, I'm the one forcing my feelings upon you." I let go of Emilia, as I still smiled at her. It was hard, but I was trying to pretend that everything was just fine. I was trying to pretend that my heart was not torn apart. All of those emotions suddenly disappeared, when she held my hand.

"I... don't want... you... to leave me... again. I want to... stay... by your... side...forever. I... love... you."

Emilia and I looked each other into the eyes. The look on her face was hurt. The words we exchanged still hung heavy in the air. Though her eyes were dry, the pain was etched on her face. It was as though her emotions were locked inside of her, tightly guarded and to be hidden away by all means.

My hands were trembling once again, as they yearned to bridge the distance that had kept us apart. Our bodies came together. Emilia buried her face in the crook of my neck. I pressed my lips against her hair, breathing in the familiar scent I had longed for all this time we had been apart. Her body was so small and frail but it felt warm at the same time. I wanted to hold this body in my arms forever. It was not just a simply embrace. It was a symphony of love and trust. Even when we had to let go of each other, the passion that had gone unspoken for too long would not simply stray away. I kept on gazing deeply at her magical eyes and without actually realising it, my body started moving on its own. I moved closer to her, drawn by an irresistible magnetism. The next thing I knew was that our lips were touching. Her lips were soft. Whoever said that the first kiss tastes like strawberries was lying. The first kiss tastes salty, just like tears. But it was not bothersome at all.