Goodbye

Page 19

When I got back, Emilia was in the garden. She kneeled down in front of the empty rabbit hutch. It used to be so lively in there. Her three rabbits, Mimi, Sony and Hana all died a few years ago. Hana was the oldest one but even she knew that there was no such thing as immortality. We made graves for the three of them. Whenever one of the rabbits died, Emilia would begin to cry. Her facial expression was the same emotionless one as always but those tears were telling a different story.

"I really liked them to be honest. They were so cute." I admitted. Emilia nodded. I kneeled down right next to her and held some of the grass in my hand. It did not feel as rough as I remembered it to. How long has it been, since I last came here?

The more I watched Emilia, the more I started to ask myself what I was doing. I did not know where we were supposed to go from here. There was a wall between us. It was not high. We could see each other. We could hold each others hand. We were even connected by a red string around our pinky fingers. Just one of us needed to climb over that wall. However, who would be the one?

"Thank you." Emilia almost whispered with her soft voice.

"You mean the present? You don't have to thank me for that. Sorry that I lied to you and, you know, for everything that I did. The truth is, I thought it would be better for you to hate me after what happened on that night before I left. Silly, isn't it? But I guess you already knew that all of this was nothing more than a simple facade." I brought myself to smile at her. It was a pathetic smile. I tried to appear strong in front of her but even she could tell that I was just putting up a front. To be honest, I was scared of myself.

"It's not...my...fault he...died. It's not your...fault for...what...you...did. You...wanted to cheer...me up."

For a second I thought that I must have been dreaming. Those words from Emilia touched my heart. They made me glad, especially the first part. Emilia had moved on. She had moved on from her trauma, while I never got over mine. I could not help but feel happy. She did what I could not do. I was proud of her.

"You're always so kind to me, even though I don't deserve it. About what I said before, I actually still suffer from it. I didn't make up the fact that I have a girlfriend. The truth is, it still haunts me. Every time I try to say no, the memories just suddenly come back. I start to think about my mother and the hell she put me through. It's like I just can't get out of it." I could not tell how Emilia looked at me. The whole time I was watching my hands, as they were nervously playing around. Even my own touch felt uncomfortable to me.

Emilia understood what I was going through. She did not hug me. She did not try to hold my hands. Heck, she did not even put her own hand on my shoulder. All she did was listening to me, as I told her exactly how I felt. It did not bother me that she did not talk. If I were to be honest, it even calmed me down. Just her being with me, not judging me for who I was, was enough already.

Even though she did not say it, I knew that she was telling me that it was fine. She was telling me that I should not worry about it. Growing up is not easy. It is quite hard to be honest. Sometimes it just takes a bit more time. Maybe a few days, weeks, months or even years. You should not rush. There is enough time. One day you will just wake up and you will realise how much you have grown. It will make you feel happy and proud. All of it was your own work.

Emilia was kind. Maybe Esra was right after all. I had been acting like an idiot because I did not want to admit it. Right now, in this exact moment, I wanted to touch Emilia. I wanted her to hold me in her arms. I wanted to feel the warmth of her body. I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved, so I stared at my hands. They were shacking and I knew why. Did it really feel that uncomfortable or was it just the memory that made me think that way? If Emilia could move on, was I able to do it as well? I looked at Emilia. She was as indifferent as always. I was right, she should smile more often. However, she was not the same, fragile girl I used to know. Emilia had grown up.

The mere thought of it gave me courage. I breathed in and then slowly moved my hand towards her. She did not expect me to hold her hand. Well, you could not really call it that. I was not really holding her hand. Rather, I was barely holding her fingers. Slowly I moved forward. I pushed my hand, until my thumb was right at the back of hers. Her hands were smaller than mine but they were warm. I caressed the back of her hand with my thumb and noticed how I started to calm down. It was a little weird at first but it was not that bad actually.

"Touch." Emilia pointed out, as she looked at our hands. All I could do was smile at her.

"You know, maybe it's because I held you in my arms on that night. I did not do it because I was forced to. I did it because I was scared of letting go of you. It was the first time I really wanted to touch somebody." The words came out of my mouth so easily. I did not have to think about them much at all. Those words were sincere. They were honest. They were not lies at all.

"I know that I'm in no position to say this right now and to be honest, you don't have to give me answer right away. Even if you reject me, I understand. The thing is, I've been meaning to tell you this for so long now. Emilia, I love you. I've always loved you."

For once I could clearly see the shock on her face. She did not believe her ears. She thought that I must have been joking around, despite it being so obvious. Everyone knew about my feelings. Emilia knew about my feelings. I knew about my feeling. The one to climb over that wall, it was me. Now all that mattered was her answer.

Her hands were trembling. She did not want to look me in the eyes but then again, she had to. She realised that I really meant what I said. I was expecting her to reject me. No matter how close we used to be, I acted like an idiot those past days. I frightened her. I made her hate me but she still decided to give me a chance. When I saw that she was nodding, I was so happy. I never thought this day would ever come.