Goodbye

Page 8

Mint and I went on dates almost every day. We laughed. She hugged me. She kissed me. She had taken over my days and only left me the nights. Those nights were cold. Cold and ruthless. I felt lonely. Most often I found myself wandering around the city, while wearing my headphones. Everything was covered in a mysterious brown dust, whenever the sun was setting behind the many buildings. I watched the world turn black from the top of a bridge above the station. At first I did not feeling like going up there but after a few days of aimless wandering had passed, I showed courage. It was bothersome. I still made it. Step by step. Breath by breath. Heartbeat by heartbeat. It was beating loud and fast. I could hear it. I could feel it.

The iron was cold. My hands were glued on it. Step by step. Step by step. Step by step. Those stairs seemed like they were never going to end. It was frustrating. Breathe in and out. Breathe in and out. Calm down. You almost made it. You can do this. Only a few more steps. Believe in yourself. Listen to your heartbeat. Feel the heat and the coldness. Look at the lights. The sun is setting. The world looked beautiful.

There were few clouds up on the sky. Even they were covered in those comforting autumn colours and reminded me of sheep. I watched the brown sky. I watched the fluffy clouds and imagined myself sleeping on them. Everything looked so god damn beautiful.

To Mint's surprise I did not try to get any closer to Lucy-Ann and lately she had gotten a whole bunch of attention from me. Why? Because I let go. Well, at least I tried to. No promises. Anyways, Mint was happy, I was happy, we were happy. More or less. For her more, for me less. Work was also going well for her. Our boss told  us that she was close to getting a promotion. No denying, Mint deserved this promotion. She always worked hard. I did not. I did not care.

The guy that usually commented on everything Mint did, was even now in the mood to continue so. He shouted from one corner to the other that Mint was going to be even bossier, once she would get that promotion and that we should prepare ourselves. As usual Mint hit him on the head with the black folder. I was slowly starting to think that this guy was a masochist. His name was James Jordan by the way. I really liked his smile. It gave off a cheerful and childish vibe. I heard from Mint that he used to play rugby professionally, when he was younger. He had some problems with his knees and now he was working with us at this office. Poor guy. From an athlete to a boring office worker. To make matters worse, he worked with someone like me.

"By the way, why are you always shivering? I could not really tell before but whenever I touch you, I realise it." Mint asked, as we were making copies of some important documents. The printer was an old model. One copy took about two minutes. We had to make twenty copies. I could have very well spent the night at the office. I was not even going to get payed for the additional minutes of work. James just laughed it off. He said that this was not work but rather time to slack off with my amazingly hot girlfriend. He instantly told me that the walls were not that thick, so I should not make any reckless moves.

I did not know how to answer Mint's question. Instead I just watched the printer do its work. It was just like a game. A game of guessing when it would finally make a copy. I was wrong two times and then guessed right. Then I guessed wrong again.

"That reminds me. There is this movie I have been meaning to watch. Wanna watch it together? Maybe at my place?" No shyness. No embarrassment. Straight up. A goal. Sassy. What else did I expect from Mint? Playing with her hair, biting her glossy lips seductively. An air of roses was in the room. I could not give her an answer.

Sounds. Awful sounds. It started with a movie. It hurt. It hurt so much. I didn't want it to happen again. Not again. Anything but that! Don't make me relive those memories. It was supposed to be over. I did all of this because I wanted it to end. New city, new people, new memories. Please, I don't want this anymore! Haven't I done enough?! Let me get rid of that sin! Never! I will never do it again! I should be over it. Why? Why?! Why can't I forget it?! It's killing me! Shut up! Just shut up already! I don't want to hear it! I don't want to feel it! I'm not a toy! Get your dirty hands away from me! I'm pure. I'm innocent! Please, I beg of you, don't make me repeat it! I've tried so hard to forget it. Why is it coming back to me? Don't touch me! Do whatever you want but don't touch me!