Goodbye

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I did not remember the train ride being that long. I could have sworn it was only a matter of a few minutes. An hour. I sat in this train for a whole hour. It was the same train as before. It was the same feeling as before. Loneliness. Sadness. Why did it feel so different then?

The last time I took this train, it used to be summer. Now it was winter. It was almost Christmas. I remember sitting next to a man, who looked like the average office worker with his seemingly bottomless briefcase. He looked through a million obscure documents and sighed about every three minutes at least once.

This time I sat all alone. You would have thought that the train might be cramped but to my surprise, it was almost empty. There were perhaps ten passengers, including me. Well, at least this gave me some space. I watched myself in the orange hand mirror Mint had given me as a present for Christmas. Of course I could not see my face because of those black stripes but at least my longish brown hair looked alright. I wanted to look good. I wanted to look perfect.

Believe me when I tell you, putting makeup on without seeing your face is a challenge I would not want anyone to take on. I had years of practice. I knew exactly how much I needed to apply. Still, it was awful. 

I put the hand mirror back into my bag and watched the landscape outside. It was not snowing anywhere but it had not rained either. How nice. I am not sure what the weather was like, when I travelled with this train in summer. Neither do I remember what the landscape looked like. If I am not mistaken, I cried the last time. I did not cry at first but at some point I could not help it anymore. I did not want to go yet. I wanted to stay. Nothing more. Nothing less.

We passed the lone tall trees, the sacred mountains and the broad and now sluggish rivers. The blue wintry sky looked as if it was going to fall down on us. First the sun and now the moon. A moment of prosperity. The low puffy clouds followed us until the end of the world. Some looked like sheep, others like rabbits. Beautiful, shy white rabbits, jumping around like there was no tomorrow. At some point they hid behind one of the surreal mountains.

The river came along with us until the next stop. The water was clear. You saw every lifeless stone underneath it and every fallen leaf on top of it. The sun was setting. The water was sparkling like diamonds. It was shining bright. The atmosphere inside the train changed. It was quiet and cozy. Everything was painted over with red light. 

I was not ready yet to get back. There were a thousand things on my mind that I just could not get rid of. I tried to think of something beautiful. I tried to think of Mint and her gorgeous smile. I tried to think of Lucy-Ann, who would scold me for acting in such childish manners. I tried to think of James and what he told me before. Not a beautiful memory. I wanted to tell myself that I did not have to pay his comment any attention. Meanwhile my brain was throwing a party and everyone was invited. I wanted to ask James what he meant by those words. Something did not feel right. It was as if he knew about something that he should not have any knowledge of. A cold shiver ran down my spine and it had nothing to do with the AC that was turned on for some reason. I had my warm blanket with me, which protected me like a shield. Who would have thought that one day I would be the person to take their blanket with them everywhere? It should have been someone else. Someone on the other side of the calm red sunset. Behind the point where the sky met the earth.

I thought about a field. Stray dandelions dancing to the rhythm of the wind. A few lonely butterflies flying around. When I thought about this field, something inside my chest started to hurt. Sometimes even the most beautiful memories can make you feel pain. They feed on you like a nasty parasite and honestly, all you want to do is getting rid of them but no matter what you try, the memories will always stay. A sad analogy but even I have to admit, every last corner of it is true.