Goodbye

Page 16

I never thought I would ever get to see this house again. Old. Run-down. Inconvenient. I used to love this place but now it was nothing more than a bad dream. It started here. If I had not come here on that day, everything would have been different. The past is the past.

Even though so much had changed, I still remembered the way to her room. Esra and Salem had to share a room but Salem was not here. She did not know what was going to happen in her bedroom. She probably did not expect her sister to invite me over. She probably did not expect her sister to kiss me with her cherry lips. She probably did not expect her sister to push me down on her bed. She probably did not expect anything that happened afterwards.

Don't be in such a rush. Be gentle. Make it look good. Use your hips more. Be more aggressive. Be an animal. Touch her, where it makes her feel the best. Succumb to her desires. Does she like it? Does she want more? Take the lead. Adapt to her. Don't say no.

I lay right next to her. She held my hand and would not let go of it. When I looked at her, I noticed that she must have been in pain. I tried to get my hand away from hers but she just pressed it on her chest. She did not want to be alone. My touch was familiar to her. It calmed her down. It made me anxious. She turned around. I looked at her hazel eyes. They were soft and unique.  I kind of liked them. They were not like mine at all. They were not weak and rotten. 

Someone once told me that they liked my green eyes. They reminded them of a landscape. When I told them that I hated my eyes because of everything they had seen, they just looked at me painfully. Then they smiled. I could never forget what they told me.

"Maybe but they have also seen beauty or am I wrong? Your eyes can't remember. It's up to you to decide what you want to remember and what you don't."

It had gotten quite late, when I decided to leave. Esra followed me to the door. She noticed my old shoes and asked if I did not want to get new ones. I looked at them and then smiled. No, I did not want to get new shoes. Esra did not actually understand what I meant. She just rolled her eyes.

Before I could leave, she handed me an envelope. When I asked her what it was for, she suddenly got really mad and started yelling at me.

"It's your money obviously. By the way, you won't tell anybody about this. I'll kill you with my own two hands if you do."

I sighed. The money felt heavy. It was as if it was going to fall down. I did not want to see how much there was in the envelope but I could already tell without taking a look inside. My heart was beating unusually fast and loud. It was getting hard to breathe. I wanted to throw the money to the ground and step on it. I wanted to see it burn. There was so much I wanted.

"I was wondering. Did you lie about having a girlfriend?" My mouth felt too dry to answer. I looked down at my shoes. No answer was enough of an answer. Esra sighed.

"So she really doesn't know about it. Does she not realise it? You guys did it already, haven't you? There is no way she wouldn't notice. I mean, it should be obvious that you're not a virgin."

"I don't think she really cares about it."

"Some people are just straight up stupid. I don't understand how she can be fine with you staying at a girls place."

"She isn't."

"She isn't?"

"She isn't."

"Why are you doing this then?"

"I don't know. Just felt like getting away from her for a while. I missed Emilia."

For a moment it was silent. The wind outside was severe and bitterly cold. It was keen but at the same time it was not unpleasant. Somehow it distracted me. It made it easier to be around Esra, who was obviously disgusted and frustrated. She would have started shouting at me again but for once she realised how late it was. Instead she grabbed me by the collar and was ready to slap the shit out of me. However, she did not do anything. She just stared at me in disbelief.