Fᴏʀ Hɪꜱ Sᴀᴋᴇ | ✔

chapter five | where he's coming in terms with some crazy realisations

Upside and down. And down-

No! Hell and beyond. He wasn't usually such a damn bastard but he doubted he would ever have to say anything in his defense now that he knew what kind of devil possessed him in his nearness to Emily.

His heart ached, convulsed and beat wildly against his ribcage as if he couldn't breathe a second more in anticipation of what could have happened between them if he didn't muck up things the way he did.

He was an asshole in what he subjected her to, the utter humiliation of keeping her beside him all the time - even when he thought himself ready to marry some other woman who was apparently the so-called dying devotion of his life.

And still not the love of his life, he guessed.

He was so sure of his feelings at that time that the thought of ever having to lose Emily didn't ever cross his mind.

Until that particular thought was the only thing that kept him awake at nights, tossing and turning and writhing within the weight of his decision, even when they were already legally tied in a holy matrimony - and he wasn't sure about the reasons he married his best friend in such fake terms anymore.

And now that the same fact was so close to snap at his feet like a lava ready to swallow him alive, his entire being was focused on only one parameter of his life which had been such a constant in his life he wasn't sure he would survive any longer than he would if she were to become true of ever going away from him.

Hell, the mere inkling of the thought damn well gave him nightmares to the point he'd just lay awake like an empty shell of a man and stare at his ceiling, waiting for the damn rise of the sun to make him blind upon his life breaking so casually apart in front of his eyes.

And how he even lost the bare minimum right to do anything right by her.

He realised he was staring at her.

And not just staring. But literally devouring her with his raking eyes, wherever they could reach; whatever they could imprint upon his memory to cherish as long as he breathed; however they could gauze her response to his touch, his hungry and wanting gaze the utter replacement of what his hands, mouth and tongue couldn't do to her in reality.

It's as if he didn't yet realize she had existed the way she had existed in his thoughts the moment when he couldn't think of having any other woman in life but her.

It was like it had always been Emily. And it will always be her. And her alone.

Sweet God in heavens, he groaned inwardly. He was going insane with the intensity of the longing churning his guts to mushy potatoes.

Gasping for the need to breathe and swallowing at the same time, his fingers stroked her cheeks, revelling in their softness, their warmth radiating to his palms. His eyes were wide open in view, as if they couldn't quite understand why she was the way she had been in his fantasy when she was his real wife.

Did that mean Emily was the only woman he could marry in this whole world? Would that make him a complete ass to find pleasure in the idea of either having her by his side as his wife or have none at all and remain single and unattached till he died?

What man in his right mind would feel happy about having just one woman in the whole world to marry and not feel sorrow over it? He remembered his college friends always wailing about the fact that marriage with one woman would miserably fail and so they would take as much time as possible to play around before settling for the satisfaction of their duties.