tony stark whump

"do what you want to do."

people are leaving tony after the civil war and he can't bring himself to stop them

set after civil war; avengers are pardoned or whatever idk

tw: suicide

~NO POV~

Tony Stark struggled with a lot of things. There was his sobriety, which was always hit or miss, anxiety and PTSD, which he was trying his best to deal with alone, shitty mental health and suicidal thoughts he'd been having since he was a teenager, and then the lack of love and family in his life.

When he met Rhodey in MIT, he found platonic love and a brother, and when he met Pepper, he found romantic love. Unfortunately, that ship sailed and sank, but he still had Pepper as a friend- so that was something. And then the Avengers came into his life, into his home, and he finally found a family.

Sobriety was a hit or miss, but dating Pepper helped. Even though they broke up, Tony was still sober, and he was very proud of himself for that. His anxiety and PTSD was a lot less overwhelming when he had literal superheroes living with him, and the suicidal thoughts seemed to be far in the back of his mind.

And then the Civil War happened, and Tony was left alone, hurt, in Siberia. And suddenly, everything he thought he'd been recovering from came back at full force. He spent at least an hour there, wallowing in his pity in a broken suit, ready to just die alone in the Siberian bunker. It reminded him of being in the wormhole, thinking he'd die alone and no one would find his body.

And then T'Challa arrived, and Tony hated him for not letting him die there.

Tony was planning to go straight to his workshop when he got home, but unfortunately he was shipped off to a hospital because he'd been seriously hurt during the fight, and he hadn't even noticed. He spent a month in the hospital in the tower, walling in his own pity.

Seeing Rhodey, his brother and best friend, sentenced to a wheelchair because of one of Tony's suits that failed, didn't help. Of course, having Rhodey with him was familiar and safe, but seeing the man unable to walk just hurt. The guilt Tony felt was unbelievably sickening, and he couldn't stop feeling guilty.

His best friend couldn't walk anymore. 

He wouldn't ever get over that guilt.

The first thing he did when he was finally allowed to leave his hospital bed again was work on Rhodey's leg braces. It was a miracle Tony even stayed in the hospital bed for so long. He was recovered just adequately enough for him to be able to work without hurting himself too much.

He spent a week in the workshop alone, with music blaring, just trying to build braces. He made several, and spent far too long trying to perfect them, just so he wouldn't hurt his best friend any more than he'd already done. 

The smile on Rhodey's face when he could walk again was everything, and made Tony's week in solidarity worth it.

If there was one thing that pissed Tony off beyond belief, it was seeing his family- or who he used to call his family- villainised in the media. Yes, Tony was the person most physically and mentally scarred by the Civil War, but the Avengers were still people he loved, people he cared for.

He didn't know where they were, if they were safe, if they had shelter, and that kept him up on restless nights. Yes, the Avengers had screwed him over, and Steve had left him to die in a Siberian bunker, but they didn't deserve to be running and hiding away from a world they'd saved on countless occasions.