tony stark whump

"i can't shower."

its been 3 weeks since afghanistan and tony still can't shower

set during iron man; directly after tony is rescued, ignores everything after that

tw: torture aftermath, ptsd

~NO POV~

Tony Stark was many things. Strong, handsome, confident, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.. and so on. One thing the press had gotten wrong about him was calling him heartless, emotionless, devoid of empathy. For the vast majority of his life, he had people telling him to not show weakness, that he had to always look indifferent.

So he was. But it didn't mean he didn't have weaknesses, that he didn't feel. He felt, a lot more than he wished he did. When he began to process the lack of love in his life, he felt. When his parents died, he felt. When he got kidnapped, had a major body modification without consent, was waterboarded and watched his friend die, he felt. He felt so much.

He didn't care so much that he now had a massive electro-magnet in his chest. It was better than being hooked to a car battery- because at least he wouldn't be shocked with the magnet. The car battery did. When it touched the water. Maybe this one would, but Tony wouldn't know for sure. The old one didn't, but the newer one might.

He hadn't stepped foot in his shower, hadn't let a single drop of water touch him since Afghanistan. The last time he showered, well, had to be when they would hose him down weekly with freezing cold water in the cave. And the last time that happened was the day before he escaped.

So three weeks. It had been three weeks. 

He didn't plan on showering yet.

Tony hadn't been out since the press conference where he stated he'd stop producing weapons. Which meant he'd barely been in the public eye, so he wouldn't have to look presentable. Of course, Rhodey came by often and Pepper and Obadiah were there to keep him informed on how the business was running.

All three of them had questions as to why the hell he was so.. rough looking. Pepper suggested he should try to take care of himself, before retreating in fear of watching Tony have a fit, Rhodey had asked him what was wrong and tried to coax him into showering, which failed completely, and Obie straight up told Tony he was a mess and that he needed to get himself together.

But even so, he'd refused to. His hair had gotten incredibly greasy and dandruff wasn't even hard to miss anymore. His skin was oily and he felt dirty, but he couldn't bring himself to shower. Every time he stepped into the bathroom and had the water turned on, it was an immediate reminder of the waterboarding and he just couldn't do it.

Dry shampoo, baby wipes and perfume were no longer helping. He was filthy, and he felt filthy. Which only made him feel more shit for not being able to go into the shower. He'd been avoiding drinking plain water because it made him feel like his head was being pushed into the bucket again, and he'd clasp his reactor in absolute terror.

If it wasn't for coffee, Tony would be severely dehydrated. Not that coffee was a good substitute for water, though. It was just the sheer difference in temperature and taste that made Tony feel less panicked when drinking it. The water they shoved his head into was cold, salty, whereas the coffee was piping hot and bitter, but nothing like the bucket of water. 

Pepper had tried to convince him to stop drinking so much coffee, and maybe sleep and drink water, and eat food like a regular person, but Tony had ignored her, sent her away and then put himself into lockdown in his workshop.