Sober to death

Chapter 6

"Oh, what the fuck. Him again? Nice play, Hyunjin, well done."

"Sung, it's not time for your jealousy, really."

"Oh, my jealousy, that's what we call my depression now?"

"Can you just help me help him? I don't do well with panic attacks, he's clearly having one, Chan's not here, Changbin's not here, you are the only one-"

"Oh, sure here, let me help him."

Jisung angrily, forcefully, sure that Hyunjin had been pretending, grabbed his arms, hard. Hyunjin's sleeves rubbed trhough his wounds and he could only scream in between panicked sobs.

"Ahhh!"

"Hey, no! Not his arms-"

"Why is he hurting himself to cope too? That makes the two of... us."

Jisung had forced Hyunjin's sleeves up and the moment his eyes met the hand in front of him, he just stopped, like time had stopped.

Realization hit him and it hit him hard.

Hyunjin's arms... they didn't just have one fresh cut here and there like his.
He saw what it ought to be millions of scars.
Some were fresh, some were almost faded, some had turned into scabs and some just stood there as forever white lines.
Some were deeper than the ones he had inflicted on himself when he had attempted.
Some were small and others were huge.
Some were by knife and others by fire.

How hadn't he noticed?
What the hell was he actually witnessing?

"Sung, I know what you just saw may have shocked you but I need yoy here with me to help him."

"You knew?"

"Jisung it doesn't matter-"

"It does, he's my fucking best friend and I-"

"Guys! What's going on?"

"Oh, great. Chan, Changbin, were you also aware Hyunjin's been self harming or?"

"..."

"Oh, you knew! All of you! You knew!"

"Jisung! Stop, you, follow me. Changbin, help Minho calm Hyunjin down and put him to sleep, do not leave him alone."

.

"Chan why are we in your studio, why are you-"

"First things first. You said he's-"

"I know how scars look like Chan, new and old and he had both."

"Fuck... okay. Alright, um how are you?"

"Are you going to play my therapist now?"

"I don't know what to do!"

"Is this because of me?"

"No! No, it was way before you."

"Okay."

"Sung, there are many things, not just you, everyone, that you are not aware of about Hyunjin."

"Then make me aware! I could have fucking died and I wouldn't know shit about him."

"I'll tell you, not because I want to but because maybe that way you'll understand who Hyunjin really is, how much he gets you, how much he cares and loves you."

"Well... go on."

"Five years ago; things started going downhill. It was around the time you two had started getting really close. He was so happy for befriending you but at the same time he was really struggling. He was receiving much hate and he was already an emotional person, his mother had just died... it didn't take much for him to start coping by having unhealthy habits. He had sensed you are fragile too, so he chose to hide this side of him, the side he would cut, starve and dance himself till he passed out. Then, one day, he took a walk and soon found himself jumping off from the Mapo bridge. "

"What? Is that why he knew what you told me?"

"If you mean the 'talk', yes. He's gotten the same one, more than once."

"What?"

"I was still not aware that something was wrong, caught up in my room. My phone was ringing, I could see it was him but I was working and hey! I had told him if he needed anything to just come into my room. Angry, the twentieth time I picked up; we are from the police department, they said. I was starstrucked. I panicked, I asked if he's okay, if he's hurt, they wouldn't answer. With all the commotion Changbin and Minho woke up and we went to the police station together. We were then assured he was okay, physically. He had jumped but was caught by two police officers. Normally he would have been put on a suicide watch but because of his idol image they just called us instead.

"How was he?"

"In denial. He kept saying he had just slipped. He wouldn't admit he had tried to kill himself. Then, Minho, who hours ago had noticed something off with Hyunjin, revealed he has been, rather self destructive. "

"How did he?"

"He had caught his arm and Hyunjin hissed but he refused to show it to him, so Minho snapped because he thought he was neglecting a dance injury, when all along-"

"He was self harming."

"Yeah. Later, I gave him your talk, we agreed to keep this a secret between the four of us as long as he would go to a therapist."

"Why?"

"He didn't want to be a burden nor an attention seeker as per his words."

"Then?"

"Well, he was diagnosed with depression and panic attack disorder."

"I've never seen..."

"They usually are dissociative, almost internalized and they have nothing to do with crowds."

"Is he on medication?"

"The first two years, he was taking a heavy combination, then he would just take a mood stabilizer. There was a time he was taking nothing. Two years ago, during his hiatus, because of a major even he was put back on heavy medication for a year and now... after you... he began taking sleeping pills. He wouldn't meet with his therapist but he was having trouble sleeping so we agreed on that and if something worse was to happen, with happened, we would reconsider our options."

"Chan, what happened two years ago?"