Sober to death

Chapter 13

Hyunjin made his way to the bathroom.
And when he heard the water running steadily, when he realised the door was locked, when Jisung had beat him to his destination, he screamed.

As he screamed when, with the strength he didn't know he had, he broke the door down.
A door that was broken down not a long time ago and today was broken again.

As he screamed when he saw Jisung, his best friend in the bathtub once again.

As he screamed for an ambulance.

As he screamed while trying to stop Jisung from bleeding out.

As he screamed when they tried to separate him from his Sung.

Till all of a sudden he stopped.

He stopped when he found a letter.
A letter from Jisung to him.

"Dear Hyun,
I love you, you are my best friend. You've always been. I see the way you act with Minho and I want you to know that it's okay.
You can love him. Love him the way I couldn't because... I can't live in a world where you have him and I don't."

That's all he needed to read.
He was angry.
Furious.

First of all hebwas angry at himself.
How could he not think this was making Jisung feel bad?
How could he not think the way he acted with Minho could be described as an erotic relationship from an 'outsider' ?

He was also angry at Jisung too.
Who instead of chosing to go talk to him, find a solution to a non-existent problem by talking, he chose not to just hurt himself, he tried to actually kill himself for a man that liked him as much as he did and also he left behind a letter, a fucking letter for his best friend, a letter that basically put the blame on him.

He was angry because this was such a manipulative way to act that he couldn't even recognise Jisung anymore.
He had attempted suicide too.
More than once, he knew the feelings, the chaos, the pain, the emptiness, he fucking knew, but this... this wasn't the same.

This wasn't the same because when he tried to actively die, he didn't do it leaving behind any indication someone was at fault. He didn't do it as a way of taking revenge. He didn't do it leaving behind people wondering; what the actual fuck.

His attempts were always well thought.
His actions so neat that someone could have believed that this was actually a self-murder, nobody else was at fault but Hyunjin and his own brain.

In his letters and messages he always reassured the person that it was not their fault and always always tried to justify his decision in the most logical way for such a situation, never leaving hints or mean words behind.

So when he read Jisung's letter, a strong hateful feeling started to grow in his heart.
He knew he shouldn't blame him, he was sick too but... this wasn't to be blamed upon his anxiety and this couldn't be forgotten.

For now, he could only cope with silence, the itching feeling on his body replaced by deep, angry, hard, red, irritated scars.

.

"Hyunjin? Hi..."

Hyunjin didn't speak. Of course he heard him but he was also so deep in his own mind words couldn't leave his mouth.

"Hyun... you haven't spoken since then. It's been two days and you haven't even got changed from your bloody clothes. Let me help you okay?"

The moment he felt Chan's arm attempting to wrap around him, trying to get him out of the bathroom's floor he flinched away to the opposite corner of the relatively small room.

"Okay... Jisung woke up last night and asked for you."

"Tell him to go to hell. "

"Did you speak? Did I hear your voice?"

"What do you think?"

"I- do you want to go and see-"

"NO!"

Hyunjin screamed almost louder than two nights ago.

"Hey, hey, no. Calm down-"

"No, no, no, don't come near me. Don't touch me. Go away. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault..."

He just kept repeating that, in this same bathroom, with the same clothes, with the letter in his left pocket and his mind attacking him once more till his eyes almost closed and sleep almost welcomed him.
The last thing before darkness; Seugmin's strong chest.