Sober to death

Chapter 4

"Did they have them?"

"Yes, thank you for driving me."

"No, don't thank me. Hyunjin... what was that?"

"Nothing. I am tired, that's all."

"Look, even if the others think they know you better than anyone... I do and I am aware of your past struggles, especially during the hiatus and before that, when we... and I can recognize how much Jisung's-"

"Don't. Don't say it. What happened was in the past and it's going to stay there. As for my struggles you don't know a thing, nobody does and it should stay that way."

"Don't raise your voice at me. Hyunjin, I do know. About your panic disorder, your depression, your low self-esteem, about the threats, the messages, the phone calls, about the suicide-"

"Okay Chan, yes you do know, is that something you wanted to hear?"

"No, i just want it to stay this way. I am worried about you. I've been worried from before but after the atte- that I've seen a decline that it just cannot keep going. You have to open up and talk about your feelings and emotions before they become too much again."

"Chan I am not going to kill myself."

"I really do hope so, but the moment I see or feel like it's getting bad again I will have to talk about it with the others."

"Why?"

"They deserve to know. You deserve to let them know."

.

"You smoke?"

"Uh. Jeongin, don't- please don't tell anyone-"

"What? Hyuniin, this is serious you-"

"I don't. Not on a regular basis please, I'm just really anxious-"

"Since when?"
"It doesn't matter-"

"Jin, I have to-"

"I- it helps me relax sometimes. I promise, I don't smoke often. Just keep quiet, please."

...

"Jisung, long time no see."

"Yes, I was... confused and I needed sometime."

"How are you-"

"Do you think he's okay?"

"Your best friend?"

"Yes, after what he saw."

"He could be traumatized or maybe facing acute distress."

...

"Chan, how do you really feel about this situation I've caused?"

"You did try to kill yourself, not long ago, but I think you must start being treated just how life is going to treat you, even if it hurts. You are not the only one with struggles Ji... and believe me there are people who are able to understand your emotions and what drove you over the edge, even in that house. But in order to recognize that you must open up your eyes to the real world. As much as we love you and want to protect you, you must learn to survive by yourself and let go of that bubble. Your struggles, for you, are the heaviest in the whole universe, but that's valid for every human being. You cannot wait to be saved by someone Ji... you must save yourself."

"Chan, do you recognize what I've been through? I almost died-"

"Did you want to die though?"

"Yes, I wanted to just stop existing, I wanted to leave, I wanted all of these emotions to stop."

"See? You didn't want to die. You only needed a way out of your feelings. However, instead of searching a way out, you must search a way in. These feelings are yours and the moment you allow yourself to experience them that's when you will be able to free yourself."

"You don't understand Chan. You don't. "

And that's how Jisung found himself on the Mapo bridge upon late at night.
Should he just jump?
Maybe then he would show them what he was really capable of.

"No, Sung, it's not worth it, jumping from up here."

"Hyun?"

"Hi. Did Chan upset you?"

"Yes..."

"Typical, me too. But you'll also soon realize that... it's not him that upsets us but the truth he speaks."

"What truth? He just invalidated my suicide attempt."

"No, you are wrong. That's not what he meant."

"Then what?"

"What he wanted you to get from that talk is that you are not the only one who is in some kind of mental pain in the dorms, there are people around you, beside you that feel or have felt what you felt. There are people that know how hard it is. And there are people who understand that you may have wanted to die temporarily, but death wasn't actually your goal."

"Hyunjin, how do you know he told me these- oh my God, he called you? He is truly horrible he-"

"No! No, nothing like that. I know him and the words he would use to help you calm down and think about your actions."

"How? What-"

"It doesn't matter Sungie. What matters is that you are here today. Nothing else."

"You know. My therapist told me you might be traumatized by what I did."

"Mhmm..."

"Well? Are you?"

"Sometimes, I hate that honesty and straightforwardness of yours."

"And I hate you not answering my questions."

"But I thought you generally hate questions."

"Well when you ask me all the time the exact same thing, yes I hate, your, questions."

"Now I am deeply wounded. But, as much I would love to keep our nice conversation going, we must get back home before Chan reports us, as missing people."

"You are right, this time."

"Oh, come on dude, I always am."