Jean Harnett

Chapter 31: Hard thinking

Jean had to do some hard thinking. Steve Berends was getting serious, and part of her was anxious for their relationship to deepen. He would certainly appreciate her more than Robert Cramer did.

What, exactly, drew her to Cramer? When had she become aware of him as a man? She let her mind drift back over the winter, then suddenly she knew. With startling clarity she saw Cramer lying sprawled and exhausted on a sofa after working most of the night to save her reputation. She'd often thought since how vulnerable he'd looked and how she'd wanted to protect him. He'd seemed more human that morning dressed in a sweatshirt and blue jeans, and thereby more appealing to her.

She wondered if she'd never seen him vulnerable like that if she'd ever become infatuated with him. She thought of that long ago school librarian who'd lusted after the principal dressed out in basketball gear. Jean completely understood that woman's feelings. It'd had nothing to do with personalities; her desires were purely physical. Apparently that other principal wasn't even personable, but that didn't matter to his admirer. The heart sees with eyes of love, not the mind of logic.

"The lake is beautiful in the spring," Jean said as she kicked a small rock into the water that was gently lapping on the lake shore.

Ron grinned. "You nearly missed spring up here this year. It's almost June. Summer's bearing down on us."

"Stop being so logical! I want to hear poetry from you."

"How about 'Your eyes are sparkling like the eyes of the maiden who lives in the lake.'"

"There! That's more like it!"

He grinned. "I got it out of a book. Just in case I got to use it."

"I don't care where you got it, I appreciate it. That's what I've missed."

"I've missed everything about you, Jean," Ron said softly. "Sorry. I wasn't going to get serious, was I? I shouldn't have brought you walking alone. We should've stayed where the crowd was, back at the cabin. I appreciate your folks asking me up this weekend."

"They did because I asked them to ask you."

Ron stopped walking. "You mean, this weekend was your idea? I thought your folks, or Brenna, was trying to throw us together."

She smiled. "I am."

"Why?" he asked suspiciously. "Why all of a sudden am I looking good to you?"

"A girl can change her mind, can't she?"

"I want to believe you, but I can't, Jean Louise Harnett. I heard that you've been seeing Dale Berends' son. Is that true?"

Jean picked at nonexistent lint on her shirt sleeve. "Well, yes, I have been dating Steve Berends."

"Is he the guy who's got you in a tailspin?"

"No. And Steve knows it."

"Are you playing Steve and me against each other, or are you trying to make your mystery man jealous?!"

"Oh, Ron, I don't know what I'm doing. You and Steve are both great guys, but I think I am using you. Not to see who wins me, but to keep anybody from winning me."

"You aren't making any sense."

"I'm not very sure of myself right now. My confidence has been shaken by that mystery man, as you choose to call him. I feel like I'm unworthy of any man's affections. That's why I don't quite trust you, or Steve when you tell me all sorts of things that a girl generally likes to hear. But it's a lack in me, not you guys."

"You feel better pining away for some mystery guy who doesn't want you than trusting two guys who do want you?"

"I know it sounds stupid, but you're right. I feel like I don't deserve either of you," she whispered.