the butterfly effect

root - chapter 22

Only a week has passed by.
So much has happened and then all of a sudden the week dragged by and the days were fading into eachother.

It was a strange feeling.You didn't know what to do from here on.

It had just now begun to completely set in,as you already heard rumors of him messing around with another girl.

But It didn't really matter.In most cases just because someone changed your life completely and became the centre of it doesn't mean you made the same impact on them.

It is a sad thought.That someone isn't stuck in memories and pain as much as you are.

To them you're just another person who came and went.

Did It really matter whether he cared as much as you did?
Maybe.But only for your ego.

You sit in your room.Pondering on what you usually do at this time.
When he wasn't around,you'd just wait around for him.

He said nothing you did was the cause but you knew you were wrong to do that to yourself when dating him.

I really liked him though.

You believed something real could grow there.But it's truly impossible to guess what goes on in someone else's head.

You sit on your bed trying to pull yourself together.

Heartbreak hurts in a really unique way.

It takes a lot of time.
Thankfully it's a wound that can be healed with time.But the time it takes to move on can be unnecessarily long.

Just when you think your over them you break down crying in the middle of the night when you remember a message they sent.

How they'd always be there for you.

How no matter what happened they'd leave everything behind to be your stone.

Where are these people now?

The truth is - we can't fulfill this promise we make to eachother.
You never know what path you'll end up taking or what the future holds.

You couldn't even imagine this happening.Even in your worst overthinking scenerios it was impossible to play out in you head.Just from the way he spoke and how comfortable he made you.

And now your relationship was reduced to nothing.

All of those moments would lead to this?

With it - a part of you was gone too.

Prehaps one bigger than it should be.
How could you feel this empty?How could you feel this clueless?Who was I to begin with?Who was I before

You sigh out.

It hard to get up.To just move away from your bed take all of your strength.It feels like a huge weight if pulling you down.No,It's like nothing matters to you now.You try to care and act like you used to.But right now It's like you're a shell of who you used to be.Even doom-scrolling is bothersome.You roll around.The mere thought of getting up is painful enough.

You look in to your mirror.
Your skin dull,your undereyes dark and a thinned out face.

I've lost weight...when was the last time I ate anyway?

You told Miyeon to order something for dinner.
She natrually did but she left you home alone as she had to rush back home last minute.

You think of asking someone to comfort you as you're not used to being alone anymore.

But why would It matter? You'd feel horrible the second they left.
You just had to deal with this alone.

You get up to the kitchen to eat takeout.You force it down your throat.You weren't hungry at all.You chew incredibly slow.Nothing can be heard except for the sound of your chewing and the clock on the wall.

It didn't matter.This is how you felt in public too.Like you were in a bubble that separated you from everyone else.

You forcibly eat.You don't eat much but you decide you can more eat later.It was important you get food into your system.You chug a glass of water to help you chew down the food.

You clean up and wash the plates right away.It helps a lot.To start from somewhere.

You go to the living room.

You look at the pink couch with lots of memories.

The place you'd rest everyday after lectures to recharge.
The place you told Miyeon about the chocolate bar Jungkook gave you.The couch you'd sit with him on and watch whatever was on TV.

The place where you for the first time you felt like you geniunely wanted him.

You quickly sit on the couch as you throw yourself on it in an attempt to crush all these memories.
You do your favorite workout which you'd forgotten a bit but your body still had stored in its memory.

It was just a bit out of shape.
Putting into perspective how much time had passed since you cared about yourself.
You shower right after.Smelling good just for yourself.You take the opportunity to use your fancy body wash just because.

The first step is the hardest but along it becomes easier to reprogram yourself back.

You do your skincare paying a ridiculous amount of attention to each detail.
You binge watch How I Met Your Mother since it's on TV and the silliness really helps you laugh for the first time in a while.

You go to your room and take out a planner.This just meant you'll have nothing to distract you this semester.

Let's make all of them eat shit then.

You look around your journal and old enteries.Remember photography?

I should really get into it.

The next day you go shopping by yourself.You buy yourself makeup and clothes you'd been wanting for a while.You take a long walk somewhere you haven't been before with your playlist accompanying you.

A month has now passed : you're back on your feet and everything seemes to have gone back to normal.

It's a lie if you said your heart didn't ache everytime you saw him on campus and you wouldn't jump into his arms.He would avoid you.And you understood.It was a fresh wound.

But once he was out of your sight you were barely thinking of all of it now.

You make a new decision not to date for a while.
You want to find out things about yourself and what path you're going to take.

It'll be fine with school,friends and self-improvement I wont even have time to think about anything else.

And so time seems to fly by leading us into the sunny days of May.Preparing us for summer.

Oh and also final exams.