Reasons Why We Broke Up

Chapter Twenty-Three

I never forgave myself for the way I treated Emily. I never forgave myself for just walking out of Emily's life.

I continued seeking professional help, working through 30+ years of problems that I never knew I had until Emily pushed me to seek help.

I learnt that it wasn't normal to sleep on the lounge every single night, I learnt that it wasn't normal to move in with someone without a two-sided agreement.

Funny, had this idea of blaming Emily for so much during our relationship.

But nothing was her fault? Sure, she wasn't a saint, but she wasn't the devil either.

I was the one that forced myself to move in with her.

I think because I was desperate. I was desperate for a cuddle buddy, I was desperate to have someone hold me while we slept, I was desperate for that nightly affection. I was just pure and utterly desperate.

The therapist suggested that Emily had been giving me signs to slow it all down, but I refused to acknowledge any of it.

That wasn't wrong.

Looking through all the text messages between Emily and I, there were signs.

We talked about how Emily had been lacked love from partners, but the therapist thought maybe it was just Emily working her way through her own fears of trust, of course I had to be the one to push everything to the front of her mind all over again.

Looking back at our relationship, I feared it all.

Everyone had always told me that I'd know when I was in love. Everyone had always told me that I should've been settled down by now. Everyone had always told me that I should've brought someone home by now.

I was living up to what society wanted me to be. What my family wanted me to be. What my friends told me I should have by now.

I liked Emily but I confused it all.

I confused it all too quickly.