Reasons Why We Broke Up

Chapter Seventeen

Therapy was three times a week, we also had a session one after another until than we didn't.

For almost six months, for almost six months three days a week, we'd have a session one after another.

Emily's would be first than it'd be mine.

Until it didn't.

The therapist suggested that Emily and I came at different times and different days.

I have no idea how many times Emily went a week or even if she went at all.

I did.

At first I pushed it off, I couldn't go if I couldn't go with Emily. Right?

But then I started going through my lunch break than started to drift before work sometimes before, during and after work.

The therapist and I talked through some stuff.

They even suggested that maybe I was clingy, needy and felt the need to attach myself to a person because I never got what I wanted from those in my childhood when it came to affection.

We talked about the first time I told Emily I loved her.

The therapist "So, why'd you say it? You barely knew her."

That was the truth. We talked before my first meeting at work, we talked via text message when we swapped numbers, but we never talked about love.

I guess I said it because I didn't know the rules when it came to love. I guess I said it because I felt something, or maybe I thought I did feel something.

The therapist asked, "Do you confuse lust for love?"

There's a difference?

Turns out there is a difference.

Than the therapist asked, "how many relationships I've been in?"

That's when it hit me. The cruel truth, the 100% ice cold truth. The one I'd been avoiding since being with Emily.

Emily was my first girlfriend. Emily was my first kiss. Emily was my first sexual experience. Emily was my FIRST.

I latched onto this woman for all the wrong reasons, I latched onto her because I was lonely, I latched onto her because I felt like I was finally owed this choice.

I felt owed.

How can a thirty year old not be owed? I had waited patiently for love. I did what everyone said "You'll know your in love...", how can I know when I've never been in love before?

I had confused lust for love. I had confused niceness for love. I had confused trust for love. I had confused it all out.

I never told Emily about my exes, I never told Emily she was my first. I never told Emily anything about anything.

Maybe that's why Emily suggested we seek therapy apart because she didn't have the guts to tell me to my face?

I had destroyed my first and most likely only relationship.