Mischievous Function

Snow-Bored

Later, at noon...

"Because it was two tired!"

Cheesy held up jazz hands with a wide grin. Across the lobby couch, Pickle was sighing in disappointment and covering his face with his hand. There were several other students in the lobby as well, and those in earshot did the same thing.

"Get it?" Cheesy asked. "Because bicycles only have two tires?"

"Yes, Cheesy, I get it," Pickle deadpanned. "What I don't get is why you seem to want MeFitness so much."

Cheesy arched a brow and leaned forward, intrigued. "MeFitness? What's that? A new app—"

"Me fittin' this fist in your face if you don't shut the brine up."

Pickle held up his balled fist and scowled at Cheesy, who let out a nervous chuckle, raised his hands in surrender, and backed up. "O-oh...heh-heh. Th-that's a...that's a good one, Pickle!"

A little ways away, Saw and Gaty were playing chess on the lobby chessboard. Saw took Gaty's last pawn with her queen and laughed. "You're done now, G-EIGHT!-y!"

Gaty looked at her lone king against Saw's king and queen and sighed. "Man."

"So how do you want to be m-EIGHT!-ed?" Saw asked. "From the front? Or the back?"

"Well, there's no point in resisting since I'm at your mercy," Gaty replied. "Let's do it in the corner; it's easiest that way."

"Wow, the submissive type. I didn't expect that from you, G-EIGHT!-y."

"Saw, my hands are tied. Of course I'll let you do whatever you want to me; I kinda have to."

After a few more moves, Gaty's king found its way to her bottom-right corner. Saw moved her queen to the second square on the sixth column and leaned back, satisfied. "Ha! You can't move! Checkm-EIGHT!"

Gaty examined the board for a few more seconds before shrugging and holding out her hand. "Welp. Good game, Saw." Saw shook her hand and nodded back.

Tennis Ball, who had been watching from the couch beside them, was trying not to have an aneurysm. "Wh...th-that's not..." he spluttered, throwing a hand out in front of him. "That...that's not checkmate."

"But I can't move," Gaty replied. "Isn't it effectively checkmate then since I'm one move away from losing?"

Tennis Ball sat up and leaned forward on his knees. "You want the practical or the artistic reason why one, that's a stalemate, and two, it's a draw?"

"Practical," Gaty said.

"Artistic!" Saw said.

"Well, the practical reason is that your king is technically not in danger, and also, it's too easy to stalemate," Tennis Ball said. "I mean, look. A queen can easily stalemate on her own, and with the help of literally any other piece, she can definitely checkmate, let alone stalemate. Any brain-dead beginner can do it, which leads to the artistic reason: because any brain-dead beginner can do it. Chess is basically if skill and art had a baby. It's a refined, sophisticated game with many strategies and many tactics, and it rewards carefully-thought-out play while potentially punishing the slightest of mistakes. To have such an easy method of ending the game as stalemate be considered a win would be an insult to the status and reputation of the game. In regular play, the game is designed such that almost any superior piece composition can checkmate any inferior composition in any given position. Insufficient material only occurs either as a result of bad offensive play or magnificent defensive play—which, by the way, is another reason why stalemate is a draw instead of a loss: to reward excellent defenders and punish careless offense. But I digress. The point is, because a player in a winning position usually has the capacity both to stalemate and to checkmate, only the higher, more elegant, more skilled, more demanding, and more beautiful checkmate is rewarded with victory."