Bet On Us

20. My Healing Process

It was Wednesday, I currently stayed overnight at the hospital under observation. I didn't sleep a wink, I kept going over questions in my mind.
Why did it happen to me?
Was it something I had done?
Was it due to Niall kidnapping Millie?
Why did I have to lose my baby?
Why me? why now?
My first pregnancy, has turned out to be the worst.

The nurse came into my room, she smiled, then looked at me.
I just laid back, not saying a word, I was drowned in too much sorrow.
I did not see this coming.
Not by a long shot.

"Morning Miss.Roland, I'm so sorry to hear the tragic news. But we're holding a memorial for you, in the hospital gardens so you can say your final goodbyes" the nurse smiled

I didn't have no words to say to her, so instead, I just smiled.
The nurse left the room, I sat in silence, I dreamt of holding my baby the day I found out.
I dreamt of holding him/her, watching him/her grow up into something beautiful or handsome.
Now that feeling is empty, my arms will no longer ache from the feel of there heavy head, while they're being held.
Shock, stress, disbelief took over my body.
I'm wishing for something that I cannot ever have, that's the feel of my baby.
I cannot hold them, sing them there first lullaby, walk there first steps, say there first word.
It don't exist for me anymore.
This unimaginable pain seeps through my body, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. The thought of never seeing my child again, is an unbearable pain, no mother should ever have to go through.
Millie and Robert appeared in the doorway, they smiled at me, I laid in bed with a tracksuit on.

"It's time Kat" Millie cried
I took a deep breath, gulped, then walked out of room 43.
We all walked towards the garden, it was beautiful, the sound of the birds chirping away was a nice sound to hear.
Very calming, relaxing, as well as, music to my ears.
I sat on a bench, we all saw my the baby buried in a little coffin, it made my heart shatter into a million pieces.
I stood up to say my final goodbye.

"My name is Katie Roland. I'm the mother of this child. I love you so much, I wish I could've held you one last time. I know I will not feel your tiny heartbeat, beating against my chest. I won't get to share that special moment with you, but that's okay. I'm trying to learn how to accept it, but it's hard when you won't be able to see your child again. I wish I could've met you, you would've had your whole life ahead of you. You would've had my attitude, but your dad's temper. I love you my precious angel, I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart, until we meet again" I cried

I began to throw dirt onto the coffin.
After the memorial, I walked towards room 43, to pack the rest of my things.
Millie came into the room, walked towards me, hugged me tightly.
Robert walked into the room, Millie decided to wait in the car to give me and Robert some space.
I hugged Robert tightly, took a deep breath, gulped, then looked into his eyes.

"We will continue to be there for one another, okay? You don't have to bottle your feelings up around me" I cried
"I know Kat, we can rely on one another. Did you want me to come over later? My dad said we can have a week off or more" Robert replied
"Yes, I would love your company. We're in this together. Your mental health is just as important as mine is" I answered
"Thank you Kat, I'll be round at 7" Robert responded

I smiled, I walked out of room 43, walked towards the car park where Millie was in my car waiting.
I walked towards the passenger side, opened the door whilst closing it behind me.
Millie let out a smile, she always knew how to cheer me up, we stopped at a Starbucks.
I needed a coffee urgently, as well as, a bacon bap.
I needed to eat as well, on the way back to my flat, I sat eating my bacon bap.
It was lovely!
We arrived at my flat, Millie parked up, we both opened the door, as well as, closing it.
I locked my car, walked towards my flat, put the key in, turned it whilst opening it in the process.
I invited Millie in for a quick chat, whilst harry was on his way to pick Millie up. The kids were at school, so it was easier for Harry to pick Millie up.
We took sip after sip out of our coffee, while we chatted away.

"I'm grateful for you saving our lives, you were so brave Kat" Millie
"I was just protecting you, I would do it again in a heartbeat Mills" I responded
Millie smiled, Millie stood up, hugged me tightly.
"Gotta go, Harry is waiting outside. If you ever need me, or a place to stay as well as, Robert. You're both welcome to stay at ours, we have a guest room" Millie answered
"Thank you Millie, I couldn't of done this without you" I replied
"That's what sisters are for" Millie answered

Millie walked towards the front door, opened it, whilst shutting the door behind her.
I sighed, I looked at the box across the room, it was filled with baby clothes, dummy's, bibs, nappies, baby oil, bottles. I couldn't bring myself to look at them, every time I think about the memorial, I end up crying for hours. I mean you aren't going to get over your child's death, in a day are you?
It takes time, healing happens gradually, it's cannot be forced or hurried...