Rabbit Hole

Changing the Story

I'll be honest, that day wasn't completely awful.
There was one good thing that came from it.

A few hours go by, and we're all sat in the room again. We're all taking it differently. Lloyd's avoided talking to anyone except for me after I explained everything. Kat is staying perfectly still, saying absolutely nothing. Pat is just sat down, and trying to continue like it never happened. There's still some change that proves they did feel more about it than they're letting on. Bill and Amy are just comforting each other and avoiding everyone else, but they don't really talk to others anyway. Even Liv's quiet, which is saying a lot.

"Hey, Amanda?" Liv asks, finally talking to me.
"What is it?"
"I'll be honest, I meant almost everything I said, but sorry about telling you that Lloyd killed himself. In the moment, it was a jab, but if I'd have known what was gonna happen a few minutes later, there's no way I'd have said that."
"...Thanks?" I hesitate to say.

At that moment, Carol and Wilfred walk in.

"Hey, Liv, Amanda, can you come with me?" Carol calls out. Wilfred follows up by asking for Lloyd.

Reluctantly, we both follow on, eventually reaching a normal looking room, apart from one rainbow stripe going across the walls. As the door is opened, we both slowly walk in-

*click*

shit.

We both turn around instantly, seeing the plaque on the door:

We have a zero tolerance policy on conflict. Sort it out and you can leave.

God's sake. This is an incredibly sketchy place anyway, why the hell did I think that walking straight into a room without checking first was a good idea?

"This is all your fault." Liv instantly fires at me.
"Look, I don't want this either, so either we work together to fake getting along, or we get stuck in here for longer."
"If you hadn't have insulted me, if you hadn't have tried to punch me, we wouldn't be here."
"Alright, second plan. We both get everything out now. Both of us just let loose on the other, ok?"
"You don't know how much i fucking hoped you were gonna say that."

Ok. I take a deep breath in, and let it all out.

"You're a horrible peson who puts people down because she can't handle that she isn't the main character."
"Like you have any authority on this. Ever since you got here, you've been trying to make yourself one."
"How have I tried to make myself the main character?"
"Come on, talking to everyone on the first day, the outfit being the most bland, inoffensive thing I've ever seen, not to mention instantly getting close with Lloyd while it's been weeks and he's hardly talked to any of us."
"The outfits were chosen out for us, Liv. You know that. Also, about Lloyd, maybe there's a reason he doesn't want to talk to you."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on, don't act like you don't know."
"I'd like to see how much you think you know. You've only been here a day."
"And I've already found out everything I need to know about you in three conversation. Hell, I learned everything in one."
"Well, you're wrong about that."
"Wrong about what? You haven't exactly proved me wrong. All you've done is take the piss out of me since I got here. Legtimately the nicest thing you've done was apologise to me for saying my closest friend here killed himself."
"Maybe you've made yourself hostile."
"I'm just matching the energy, Olivia."
"Don't call me that."
"Why do you shorten your name anyway?"
"I- Look. How'd you know?"
"I don't know many people called Liv that aren't shortening it. So why'd you do it?"
"I don't ask you personal shit like that. Why'd you go for Amanda?"
"I used to know an Amanda, and something stopped me from seeing her ever again when I was 8. So years later, when I realised I was a girl, I took her name."
"Of course."
"So what's up with the name Oli-"
"It's- just too close to what my name used to be."
"So why'd you go for it?"
"It was the easiest option."
"Why'd you go for the easy answer?"
"Why can't you accept that I've given you an answer?"
"Why couldn't you accept that I wasn't after you until you came for me?"
"I don't want to do this anymore."
"Well we ain't going anywhere Liv, so why are you being hostile?"
"Fuck off."
"I just want the truth Liv-"
"Alright! You want the truth? I lied. I went for Olivia because it was a nice name. My deadname's not even close to it! And I bullied you! I know! You just reminded to much of who I was!"
"And why is that a bad thing?"
"Because that leads back to him!"
"To who?"
"The reason I ended up here!"

We both just stay in silence. Neither of us can move.

"Liv, I'm sorry. If I'd have known it was that triggering, I wouldn't have-""
"No, I'm sorry. I asked for this. Had I just fucked off, we wouldn't be here. I've made you uncomfortable today. I owe you this."
"You don't owe me anything-"
"Why the fuck are you apologising to me? You said it best, I've been a bitch to you the whole time you've been here. I don't give a shit it's only been a day. But you make me upset once and take the blame instantly?"
"Seriously I'm so-"
"Stop saying that. I escalated things."
"Ok, fine. You, uh, want to talk about what he did?" She's silent for a second.
"You know what? I was actually hoping you'd say that."
"Go ahead, then. I won't say shit to anyone else."

"The guy I've been talking about is my ex. Well technically he's still my boyfriend, but not for long after or if I find him again. His name's Andrew. He always called me Olivia, trying to using the full name to kinda charm me I guess. It's cheesy as hell, but it worked. I hate admitting that, but it felt nice being called my real name for once. I'd met him soon after coming- being outed. He helped me when nobody else did. Told me it was us against the world, the usual shit. Eventually, the news that I was trans got back to my parents, and they actually didn't react as bad as I hoped, and contacted the school immediately to get everything changed. Bullying cleared up in seconds. I could finally be me, and Andrew was initially on my side and happy for me. Even if it wasn't us against the world anymore, the world just grew to accept me. It felt perfect. Obviously, however things changed. One night, he broke into my room. Told me I'd missed about 50 calls. He was warning my my parents lied, and they were trying to get me sent to conversion therapy. They were gonna fucking Elan me, for god's sake. So he got me out of there. We saw the van out front as we escaped out the back. They didn't take it lying down and the van chased us. Eventually, as we head through the woods, one of them got out. They had a baseball bat. I was trying to run, but one clean shot to the back of the head got me to the ground. As I was on the ground, I saw him. He could have taken him. I know he could. But instead, the bastard ran. He would have fucking let them take me and torture me. As I watched him run, another hit got the back of my head. Out cold. I came to tied up in the back of a van, as they swerved off the road into a tree. And that's when Wilfred and Clyde took me from the van and brought me here. I asked them about an Andrew, and they said they didn't know him. So it wasn't him who got them to save me. He really fucking would have let me potentially die rather than fight off a guy half as strong as him. I never wanted to see that prick ever again. So I got rid of every element he knew about me. I dressed, well, like you are now before this. So when I got the option between this, Alice, or Cheshire Cat. I took Queen of Hearts in an instant, he always hated that character. I was one of the few people they let choose. I was really nice to everyone, but I knew where niceness got me last time, attacked and knocked out in the woods. So I went violent. And finally, I made sure nobody ever called me Olivia again, until today."

All I can do is sit there, mouth open, silent. I thought I went through hell, but she lost everything. It's not a competition, and I know her trauma doesn't take away from mine, but still.

"I-"
"Don't say it. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not him."
"Ok."
"You know, mybe it's my fault. The warning signs were there from the start, and I let him. And everyone here already hates me, so maybe I deserve to be miserable-"

Without thinking, I just hug her. I instantly regret it, expecting her to push me away instantly, but she just returns the favour, then everything starts to come out over my shoulder.

"I- Why are you-"
"It's fine. Liv. Honestly. Just try to stop being awful to the rest of us. Belive me, I know some people here enough to know that, in time, they will forgive you. If you keep your word from this, I already have. I wouldn't mind actually being friends, actually, if you stop puttig everyone else down."

I give her a minute to catch her breath, and she continues, her voice still shaky.

"I'll try to change. But please, still call me Liv."
"Ok, sure."

With that, we hear a familiar click. Heading away from the room, we rush out of the door. Nobody. Apart from a speaker. We check the door again. There was never a lock in the first place.

"Oh, for god's sake." Liv jokes.
"Well, I guess it helped in the end."
"Amanda, one final thing."
"What?"
"Thanks for everything."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Elan" refers to a tactic involving taking someone in the night for a camp or re-education camp. This term is named after the Elan school, which operated from the 1970s to 2011 and was an abusive institution framed as a school for troubled teens.