Rabbit Hole

Down The Rabbit Hole

Fantasy does nothing anymore. I've seen what's real.
So let's start at the beginning, before the fall.

Closing out on English, I head home. The day's not been the best, but that's typical at this point. It's hard enough living one life, but I have to live two.

One of them, Adam. The one everyone knows by default. The one others created without knowing anything beyond one image. The one that I'd do anything to ditch.

The other one, Amanda. The real one. The one that people who really care about me know me as. The one I actually want to live as.

So, why don't I just be Amanda? It's my life, right? I wish it was that simple. Turns out you lose control of your life when others decide who you are. My parents aren't exactly the most accepting of it. They don't know about me, of course, but I've seen how they react to others. Yeah, they can't know, and that holds me back from a LOT.

Hell, there's only two people that do know: Nick and Jade. They found out completely by accident, I was trying to show them something online and it opened on a video about transitioning, and I couldn't lie my way out of that one. Only slip up I've ever made, and it should stay that way.

Ok, backstory over, now we can begin.

Monday 20th November, 2022. On the way back from school, I walk as I normally do, with Nick and Jade. Usually the conversations aren't anthing special, this wasn't an exception, but I remember every part of this one.

"So, are we on for Crimson Lake this weekend?" Nick's talking about a film night we had planned.
"What's that one about?" Jade replies, having never heard of this movie before.
"How can you now know about it yet? It's one of the all time great mystery films. This girl-"
"No spoilers, please." Jade's used to him going overboard with explainations. "If it's such a good mystery, I don't want you to spoil it."
"Alright, fine. But it's got everything: manipulation, twists, and a ton of violence."
"I thought you didn't like blood?" I add to the conversation. He'd previously walked out of a slasher movie we watched to throw up, and we've tried to avoid horror ever since.
"Yeah, but this one's so good I can look past it."
"Well, if it's so good it stops you throwing up, then that must mean it's worth watching." I reply.
"It is." Nick affirms. "So, we can all make this Saturday?"
"Nick, you know I can't." Jade answers. She was going to be in a performance that weekend, Beauty and the Beast. She was dreading it because she got cast as one of the women, and that meant she had to spend the play acting like she was in love with the bad guy, who is one of the most masculine characters ever, while Jade's a lesbian.
"Oh yeah, sorry. So Sunday?" Nick really wanted to make this work.
"Yeah, that's good." Jade replies.
"What about you Amanda?" Nick turns to me.
"I can do that. I'm not doing anything this weekend.". If only I knew what was about to happen.
"That's great!"

At that moment, we turn to my house.

"Hopefully it'll be as good as... you say... it... is." my sentence fades off as I notice my parents standing outside. They look dissapointed and furious, a mixture you never want to see from your parents, especially in my situation.

"We need to talk. Now!" I hear them shout from the other side of the road. This is serious.

"Amanda, if anything goes wrong, tell us." Jade whispers quietly in my ear.
"We'll help however we can." Nick adds.
"I will." I whisper back, before switching back to conversation.

"Ok, I gotta go now, see you tomorrow, hopefully." I say as I head across the road, and I head through the doors inside with my parents to accept my fate.

"What do you want to talk about?" I ask, fearing that I already know the answer.
"Adam, we found something in your room."

They show me a blue dress. shit.