The Dread Joy

The Blue Glimpse

The moment he left , I again came back to my gloomy environment . I felt as if he was the colour of my life . He flew and disappeared in the clouds .

Suddenly I remembered, I did not ask his name . How would I call him .

Well I went to the kitchen to cook something for myself . Throughtout the whole time I was cooking , I was lost in the thoughts of him. I was reminiscing the time I spend with him.

When I sat down on my place to have lunch , I got the thoughts of my family . When we all used to have lunch together . How happy we all were .

My face turned blue again . Those glimpses of darkness covered me all . My eyes were red . I did not want to let the tears come out . I wanted to stay strong . I don't know to whom I wished to prove myself. I was feeling so disappointed . But keeping those thoughts away I finished my lunch .

Still I was feeling so disappointed . I knew I was again going into my existential crisis zone.

So I decided to fall asleep. I lied on bed. But I could not keep the eyes closed . The ghosts I created in my mind were horrifying me .

The black figures I was always afraid of as a child . Now terrorise me much more . I have lost everyone I loved . I could not stop my tears from running now . My throat chocked I could not say clearly. In wild tears I murmured ,"Please go away ! You demons! Please leave me alone . Please let me take these breaths.

The mind get clear . I opened my eyes . I was whole wet in tears . I lied down on bed trying to sleep . But I could not . So I got up . Prepared tea for myself and went to the lawn . The sky was still beautiful . I wish it stays beautiful as beautiful it is today . I smiled . We can say I tried to smile . I tried to be happy .

While I was having the tea, suddenly a thought hit my head ." I am needed to follow the meditation routine ."

I ran to the rooftop with a yoga mat . I was still lost somewhere. I sat down and tried to calm my running mind. But I am not so good at controlling my thoughts. I was going through some bad memories of mine .

Those were my past memories . That day too there were clouds all over. That day too , I requested him to return me all then I lost . They were dear too me . They are even today too.

Who knew , I would be spending my whole life alone . Who knew , I won't have enough courage allow someone to come near me . "Infact I am not made for any human relations. I failed as a daughter and as sister. I could not save them . "

"That day is the nightmare of my life. They were the one who helped me live this hell known as life . "

I missed the time I spent happily . How good I was as a student . And opposite to that I am dragging this body in this materialistic world . This body has lost the will to stay alive . I don't feel I am alive . Except when my body freezes like stoned ice , my eyes wish to be opened . And the mind pleases my body to wake up , to get up . Except when I feel the greatest fear, the fear of death.

Death terrorises me . "But I can't understand why do I feel terror ? "I wish to end myself still I am afraid of it . Well , someday somewhere I would be enough courageous to end the sufferings of mine . Well why not today . Today is a good day . And a great day end the pain . The only way to end the pain is by destroying this body.

I am losing the hope to live . "I am going to kill myself . "

Suddenly, the cloudy sky making the wheather mesmerising . A little droplet of water falling on my lips .That drop gave me the glimpses of that smiling face of him. The way he treated me like a little innocent child .He told me not worry . He told me to be happy . He is always besides me.

I looked up . The sky was full of black clouds . But they looked fantastic . In that sight of clouds with the cold wind I was lost into the happy memories I spent with this love of mine . The only person who was with me in every pain or celebration.

May be I loved him with full of my heart . The glimpses I got were of the evening when I danced with full cheerfulness. Suzume song was playing in the background. Suddenly the winds blew faster . It took the small just particles and dried leaves with it . It blew with the whole passion .

I still loved the this. The trees danced merrily . I felt it was a passage to go somewhere . Somewhere I always wanted to escape to.

I was still looking up . I was trying to again fall in love with someone I always loved . I was looking in the hope to feel the same happiness I used to have .

Suddenly the rain fell heavily . I could not even stand up to get some shelter . And In just a span of thirty seconds. I was totally drenched. I did not want to get up . I kept sitting there . I wanted to be there. I wanted to get all that back I used to have . I did not want to cry again so I put those thoughts away . I got up and tried to feel the calm carried by drops of rain . I tried to feel the cheerfulness and passion carried by the cold winda blowing all around me .

The winds blew in a magistic way . I felt the same kind of warmth I felt with him . And the same kind of soothing smell.

The trees danced in the way they welcome their guest . I felt the guest was reached to my home.

I was on the clouds nine now . The Guest ....